Excuse My Brain for Throwing Up On My Blog

Posted: February 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

I feel like I come across a fairly (over) confident, very self assured chick.

(please correct me if I’m wrong)

But honestly, I don’t always FEEL so confident. In myself, my abilities, my vision of what I’ll end up like on stage this year. I’ve set some fairly lofty goals for myself and while I have TOTAL faith in Joe and his plan to get me there, I often second guess myself. Am I working hard enough? Am I working TOO hard? Should I rest more? Do I need to vary my meals more?

Yeah. Internal debate much? It rages… on and on and on.

All this makes me feel like the insecure, overweight, lame-o teenager I was. No faith in myself or my abilities. I do have my moments where I’m on top of the world. NOTHING and I mean nothing will knock me down, I’m unstoppable, kickass and ready to take on the world.

Other times? Yeah… I want to curl up in the fetal position… on the floor… and sob until I look like a crack addict with mascara running down my face and fritz starts circling me trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.

Yup, self doubt. I like to tell myself we’ve all been there. Maybe not? Maybe it is just me and I’m special? I crazy, self absorbed, slight head case figure competitor?

I’ve always been a dreamer. Maybe it comes from my out casted, loner childhood. Sure I had friends, but a lot of my time was spent playing alone… living in a bit of a fantasy world I guess you could say. Daydreaming of a life where I was thin and pretty and the popular girl who alllll the boys wanted.

I still have those daydreams, only now I’m an adult so I can call it “visualizing my goals”. Educating yourself makes justifying the crazy just a little bit easier! … Right?

Something I often do during my morning cardio is A) Watch sportscenter B) Close my eyes when the Dairy Queen commercials come on C) lose my thoughts in daydreams and visualizing my goals.

…. Yes, in that order.

I found doing this helps me be prepared for ANY situation that may pop up. I go backstage, chilling out, pumping up. I see myself in the lineup before my class is called, the moment you step on the stage and the lights and people hit you. Quarter turns and t-walks. I try and not only picture what’s going on, but how I feel when it’s going on.

In my daydream I’m me…. But exactly where I want to be. I’ve got big ass round shoulders, a teeny tiny (not thick… stupid genetics!) waist, I’m lean, I’m mean, I’m overly tanned and hooker make up’d out.

Sometimes that’s not enough… sometimes I want MORE MORE MORE. I want a solid, huge big reason to kick my butt, motivate me and push me to go just a bit further. Add a couple notches to the incline, go up a level or two on the stepmill. And this morning I found that. In a really odd and self centered way.

Yesterday I sent out a mass email asking for music suggestions. A friend came back with Nicki Minaj. Sure I had HEARD of her, but had no idea who she was. I was told I would love the song “I’m the best”. Trusting my friend I downloaded the album, plopped it onto the ipod and hit the road for the gym. After listening to the album I fell in love with the song. Apparently my friends know me ever so well.

Because I’m cool, I pretty much listened to that song. On repeat. For forty minutes of cardio this morning. Um. Excessive? You betcha! Typical Becca? Um… Yes. Yes indeed. There was just something about certain lyrics that clicked with me.

See you told me I would lose but I won
I might comp a million Jimmy Choo’s just for fun
‘Cause bitches couldn’t take what was in me

Got the eye of the tiger, the lion of Judah
Now it’s me in my time, it’s just me in my prime
Everything I’m tried to teach ’em, they gon’ see it in time

I’m the best bitch, doin’ it, doin’ it
I’m the best bitch, doin’ it, doin’ it
I’m the best, best, best, best
I’m the best, best, best, best
I’m the best

I ain’t gotta get a plaque, I ain’t gotta get awards
I just walk up out the door, all the girls will applaud

All the girls will come in, as long as they understand
That I’m fightin’ for the girls that never thought they could win
‘Cause before they could begin you told ’em it was the end
But I am here to reverse the curse that they live in

I totally cropped, pasted and deleted a bunch, but that’s what stood out.

Thinking back, how many people told me I couldn’t do it. How often I was told that was just the way it is. I was overweight. Might as well give up and eat a cookie. It is what it is right?

Even when I would start trying to be healthier people tried to get me to skip the gym to go out to bars, grab a pizza…. You know, all the stuff a normal unhealthy person would jump at. It wasn’t until I started saying no and doing what I had to do, believe in myself that I could do this did I.

I feel weird saying this… but I was talking to Lisa about it earlier today. Having a blog is like therapy. My own little group of cheerleaders, motivators and kicks in the ass I need when I’m in a cranky mood. It seriously shocks and moves me everytime one of you amazing readers tells me I’m an inspiration… or a motivation… or anything really.

I don’t SEE that in myself sometimes. But you do. Today I kept telling myself I’m fighting for everyone who CAN’T be on the stepmill busting out cardio, who can’t pick up a weight, who can’t get out of bed. Reminding myself of the comments I get, the love I feel from having my blog kept me going and helped me knock out another (amazing) round of cardio.

I really FELT like I was on top of the world, like I was the best bitch out there and when it comes down to July 2nd that I would be the best ME I can be.

Okay… I thinkmy brain just threw up on my blog. I hope some of that made sense.

Oh…. And just because, it’s in the song after all… I really wouldn’t MIND taking a few of those thousand Jimmy Choos off her hands to add to my lowly ONE pair….. Just sayin!

What motivates you?

Do you day dream? Zone out? Visualize?

  1. Jess says:

    you are an inspiration and a motivation, and it shouldn’t come as a shock to you! you are awesome.
    songs help motivate me, too- as well as motivational cheesy quotes:)


  3. Tenecia says:

    I thought I was the only person who “visualizes their goals” while doing cardio!!! I will close my eyes, picture myself posin’ my heart out, and grinning like a champion next to my trophy! I’ve also been known to practice my posing while doing my cool-down on the treadmill 🙂

    And Nicki Minaj’s song “Fly” is the theme for my prep….especially the chorus….the lyrics are…

    I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
    I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
    to fly
    to fly


    P.S. You and I….we ARE the baddest bitches out there….the competition betta’ watch out!!

  4. allieksmith says:

    I think you are prettttyyy awesome and brave 🙂 I doubt myself a lot too and it can be a bad habit. I think you are doing great!!! 🙂 Have a good day and watch out for graphic c-section videos… LOL

  5. I’d never heard this song before, but it is so going on my workout playlist. I love songs that fill me with confidence and attitude, at least for the half hour that I need them the most (on the treadmill).

  6. Nicki Minaj is the shizzle. Seriously, she fvckin fantastic. Conceited hip-hop music is my ultimate gym motivator. I do the same type of daydreaming and also realized that there is a grown up name for it (visualization). I do this when I open the fridge, when I grocery shop, when I am in the gym, when I look in the mirror, etc.

    Self doubt is a sign that you are working toward a goal. Everyone is their own worst critic. Use it as fuel. Look at yourself critically, then push yourself to prove yourself wrong!

    I am crazy, lol! I love proving people wrong & pissing people off just happens to motivate me.

    Good post Bec.

  7. marlopnwgirl says:

    Love the song! Blasting it right now!! I zone out all the time.. Dreams are what keep us going missy! Im proud of you! Keep at it

  8. kara says:

    i just found your blog and love it! plus I think you are pretty badass!!! nice meeting you…. good luck with prep! I want to do a bikini comp!!!!

  9. […] anyone who has read my blog even a little you know I don’t hold anything back. If I’m having a bad day, if I’m struggling, I show it. But at the same time when I’m on top of the world or progress […]

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