At My Breaking Point

Posted: April 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

Before I get into my blah blah blah on my crazy spaz session this morning, I’d like to throw a shout out to a new blogger whoI follow on twitter, Claire! She’s pretty fantastic and quoted a tweet I sent out yesterday so that makes her EVEN cooler. So go visit and show some love!

Now… For the heavy stuff.

Yes, lack of wine DOES make life crap sometimes

As you can see… March was a very pink month… save the one orange (I couldn’t find my yellow highlighter I guess?!) day which I skipped my cardio.

(which I DID confess to Joe and he did say was absolutely no big deal, especially considering WHY I skipped it)

So why the meldown before 6am even appeared on the clock this morning?

Well. I’m still at my plateau.

Actually, I’ve GAINED weight.

Yes, it could be anything. More veggies, less water, salt, hormones, you name it, it could effect the scale.

But I’m frustrated. and fed up. and losing faith.

… Mostly in myself. And I always tend to be a positive, go Becca type person.

So yeah. Even with candles in my breakfast and coffee in hand it was getting to me. Ont he metro ride to the gym I started my email. I couldnt wait til I got to work and coudl attach my excel sheet. Joe knows my macros up and down at this point. I ALWAYS eat the same things.

NO biggie. I need to get it out and I needed to do it then and there, before I self destructed.

So i sat there tap tap taping away on my Iphone.

Subject: I”m Desperate

Message in general: Believe in me and tell me it’s all going to be okay becuase right now I dont believe in myself and…

“if something doesn’t give I’m going to be waist deep in birthday cake by Thursday morning”

Yup, that’s a direct quote from yours truly.

Drama Queen? Clearly.

(FYI: Totally just typed Dairy Queen)

I’m afraid. Yes, me, miss I can do ANYTHING is afraid. I’m afraid of failing. Of NEVER breaking this plateau. Of being stuck.

… of the thoughts of binging on burgers and birthday cake.

It’s just HARD.

I know I”m far out, I know I need to trust the process, to trust Joe, to trust in myself.

But how do you keep the faith when you are doing EVERYTHING in your power to drop fat and nothing is changing.

Thankfully after getting out my email, sending one off to sarah and texting throughout cardio with Lauren I felt MUCH better… but still unsettled. Hopefully my reply from Joe will fix that.

But until then, I’m just forcing myself to trust the process and stay on track. I’m under strict instructions from Sarah to email/text/whatever needed the MOMENT I have any binge-y feelings and we would work through them.

What would I do without my amazeballs support system?

Oh right, lose my mind. Many times over.

Thankfully the weather should pick up soon and I can go for a walk if I need to “get out” of the house. I decided on a bit of a “splurge” birthday gift for myself that I would never NORMALLY buy but under this circumstance… and another circumstance I will be treating myself.

I can and will get through this…. I just needed a bit of a vent. Eek.

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Comments
  1. Amy at Thescenefromme says:

    How do you blog so well from your phone Becca?

  2. allieksmith says:

    Awww :/ Keep the faith girl! You work SO hard and I know you will break the plateau. I can see a post coming soon and it is going to be happy and you will have lost. I know it!
    Keep on keeping on 🙂

  3. Dawn says:

    I swear we are having the same type of day. I sent my trainer a similar text this morning. Must be a full moon out.

  4. Kari Keenan says:

    You’re gonna reach breaking points at various points during prep; it’s all part of the journey … and a big reason why not everyone can do it. When frustration sets in, weaker people take the easy way out. You’re not weak. You’re STRONG. You’ve come this far, and you’re going to continue strong with your prep. Believe in yourself and in your ability to keep pushing forward and working to achieve your goals.

    Also remember that the judges don’t care how much you weigh or what your bf% is; they only care about how you LOOK. So don’t stress about the numbers. Trust in your coach and hang tight, chica. We’re all here to support you.

  5. Genie says:

    Deep breaths, Becca! STRESS/cortisol can cease weight loss and even cause gains/water retention. Deeeeeeep breaths! This too shall pass!

  6. Tenecia says:

    Oh Becca! If you were nearby, I would march right over to you & hug you! (and I DON’T hug!!!)

    I have had the same type of meltdowns but you have to listen to Genie (because she knows pretty much everything! lol) when she says this too shall pass.

    Focus on the journey/process/etc and not the scale…it’s usually when you turn your focus to something other than dropping weight, the pounds start to melt away.

    Believe in yourself – you KNOW you can do this!!!

    T.

  7. Donloree says:

    Don’t give up. Don’t give into the birthday day! Staying on track is who you are and you can do ANYTHING, even this. You have no idea the progress that is being made on the inside or mentally right now, but one day very soon it will be clear. If you give up now you will never know. You have this thing even if it totally sucks right now. Like Tenecia says, if you were here I would hug you and I am not a hugger either! 🙂
    We are here for you!!

  8. Riggs says:

    Hang in there Becks, we all go through these slumps but I know you can overcome, you can prevail…I’m sure you and Joe can figure this out and in the end you will kick some major hiney at this years shows…just hang in there…*BIGHUG*

  9. marlopnwgirl says:

    Sorry you are having such a rough time sweetie.. What was the big bday purchase?!?! Im dying to know.. is it something heeled and sexy for the footsies?

    Um.. so i fail.. for some reason i had your birthday written down as the 17th.. ugh.. so you will receive some late mail.. 😦

  10. Jessica says:

    Keeping work hard and one day that weight is going to drop… Your body might fight it, but you are fighting harder. Keep it up…

  11. 1 year older, 1 year wiser. You know this is part of the process. That’s huge. You might get the whoosh effect. It’s probably water. You are doing un-effin-believably good. Keep at it. Happy birthday pretty girl!

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