Near Life Experience

Posted: May 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

“I feel useless in life”

Yeah, someone came to my blog today by googling that.

Do you ever feel like you’re just coasting through life? Barely getting by? Missing out on something, but you’re not sure what that “something” is?

It’s what I’ve taken to calling a “near life experience”.

And I’m not talking about ANY of this because I’m in prep. Yes, I am well aware that my competing and lifestyle is a very, very large part of who I am, and yes, that can make things difficult, but it is what it is.

I’m talking about the rest of it. Life.

You know, REAL life.

Never in my life have I been what I would call a social butterfly. Shy is exactly the word I would use to describe me growing up. I never felt comfortable in social situations, admittedly in large part due to my weight. Hiding behind my parents when forced to go out was something I did until I was well past an acceptable age to do so.

lala 010

It was cute at 4 or 5… not so much at 16.

When I left home at 18 to go to university I was able to open up a bit more. Having an “average” body and being an unknown to my new friends I could be whoever I wanted and I started drinking and going to parties, same thing when I moved here to Montreal a year later.

Eventually I had a fairly decent sized group of friends, party friends, hockey friends, hang out friends. It was nice.

dec7 304

Then a year and a half ago I started prep, and started dating my now ex boyfriend.

Cardio twice a day and a boyfriend who thought everything he did was more important than what I did made life very hard. I wasn’t partying, I wasn’t “allowed” to see my male friends, I was too exhausted trying to keep him happy that I allowed myself to become very unhappy.

dec7 023

I barely recognize myself in that photo. It’s sad to see.

When that relationship finally ended I automatically assumed that life would turn around, I’d gain my friends back, I’d find that spark for my life I once had.

… But I didn’t.

I felt like I had nothing in common with my old friends anymore, and it’s true. I didn’t. While I was more than over the tequila shots until the sun came up nights, they weren’t. Try as I did making new friends who shared similar interests was well, not exactly easy.

wax

I threw myself into solo sports and prep… it was the easiest thing to do.

I became more of a homebody, I craved family time but had to settle for phone conversations cut short by a family dinner or something else I was missing out on.

So what does someone with little social life do? You try to throw yourself into your work.

… but what happens when you realize the job that seemed “cool and fun” at 18 was more of an excuse to get out and find yourself than it was a dream job.

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What can you do though? Student loans to pay off, bills to pay, rent, a lifestyle to maintain. Hell, I’m pretty good at my job, so just keep doing what I’m doing.

Life slowly became a pattern, get up, eat, cardio, go to work, gym, go home, watch a dvd, eat, go to bed.

Rinse and repeat.

How is that any way to live?

Back at the end of January I “quit” dating claiming I was sick of the crap, when looking back it had more to do with me seeing no future with anyone here, because I didn’t see a future for MYSELF here.

dec7 182

The “big city”… maybe it wasn’t all my teenage self cracked it up to be?

I was having a near life experience in every sense of the word.

… and it scared me to death.

Pretending I was happy became second nature. Come on, who wants to be a Debbie downer right? I began to convince myself I didn’t care that I wasn’t fully living, that it was okay because it was what it was.

Something happened a couple of months ago that changed my mind. It made me realize I had to stop living like I was living and make a change, no matter how scary, how crazy it sounded.

Planning everything out took time and a lot of effort… unnecessary maybe… but for me i had to have a plan. Jumping into anything with wild abandon seemed normal at 18, but at 27? Um no. Just not logical.

But when it came down to it… all that had to be done… all that had to be said… was one simple phrase that no one likes to admit, even to themselves.

“I’m unhappy”

I went from the strong silent type… to completely exposed…. and that made all the difference.

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Comments
  1. rick says:

    I love how you are able to put yourself out there, it takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of courage to let yourself be vulnerable and act outside of your comfort zone. Good luck on the things to come Becca, you’re an amazing woman and deserve all the best…i’ll keep you in my prayers. Oh and just so you know, ‘YOU ROCK!”

  2. I swear, I have had a post in my head about this very thing brewing for a week, but I can’t seem to put it into words.

    I hope your frown turns upside down soon! 🙂

  3. Belly B says:

    What a touching life story. You are one strong lady! 🙂

    Belly B

  4. cailen says:

    wow. what honesty. it’s totally awesome that you write from the heart – that takes a lot of courage for sure!

  5. Wow this just makes you even more incredible then you already were. Seriously you are awesome. I love that all of your posts are straight from your heart and soul.

  6. “a near life experience”

    I love that. And I love this post!

    Somedays I feel like that’s what I’m having now. But I’m working on that. Slowly… but big changes are happening soon. 🙂

  7. lifttorun says:

    Great post.
    I’m extremely shy myself and I hope that in college, I can open a bit.

  8. Allie says:

    Aww love you Becca! It is awesome how open an honest you are 🙂 love learning about you !

  9. You are so incredible. Thank you for sharing this with us. I have definitely been there!! I sort of feel like I *am* there now. Of course I do have Max, so we have a little bit of a life with each other 😉 but other than that we don’t go out, don’t go to movies or games or anything… I just feel exhausted by the effort of trying to make new friends in a new city that we’re going to be leaving again soon. (First we were in Mass, then Texas, now Montana, and like you said — I don’t see a future for myself here. At all. It makes it so easy to slip into, Why bother?)

    I hope things are steadily improving for you. It sounds like you made some sort of decision and plan — I hope it all works out for the best for you!

  10. I really love this post. Its interesting because I went through many similar things you are going through and feeling. I broke up with my ex. Threw myself into contest prep. Even took on a second job! It honestly helps me hearing about what you are going through. Solidarity and a sense of companionship even though I may not know you personally!

    Thanks for being real.

  11. Ps just so you know. You’re not alone. And you may feel unhappy. But there are those who look up to you! Ie me :).

  12. We all feel like this sometimes. I was a party girl for a few years and when I was over the bar/club scene I lost a lot of my “friends”. I also let a guy screw my head up years ago and he crushed my self esteem. It took years to bounce back from that. I guess I still have some emotional scars from that experience. We can all relate, Bec. You aren’t alone. Thank you for always keeping it real. That’s why we keep coming back.
    xo
    Mindy

  13. indecisiveathlete says:

    I love that you are so open and honest. Its def a very brave thing to do. I can def relate to some of those same feelings, obviously not from the same experiences though. This really does inspire me to make much more of an effort to be more open. Thank you.

  14. Thank you for such a great post. This speaks to me. It’s tough when you get wrapped up in a life that you think you SHOULD be leading rather than the one you want. To be honest what do I want? haha that, in itself, is a complex question!

    Good luck with everything! 🙂

  15. […] Near Life Experience […]

  16. […] all started with one simple line which eventually I was able to say on my blog: I’m not […]

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