Mild Identity Crisis

Posted: August 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

Wayyyyyyy back in January I wrote a post on what I aspire to be. This post was prompted by being told my only goal in life was to look good in a bikini. Lame, but it really got me thinking about what I wanted to be.

A lot of those things were hard to achieve in the city, and really got the wheels turning on my move. Now that I’m home… and I have the ability to be better at those things, daughter, sister, role model, etc etc I’m finding it… well, hard to let go of the things I USED to identify with.

Living in Montreal life was… routine, simple, habit.

I was single and independent, living on my own and loving my little bubble of an apartment.

july 13 005 While I craved being home and with my family, my independence was something i wanted for so long and I knew it would be hard to give up.

I was a figure competitor… working my butt off towards a show date and focused and driven with one goal in mind.

282682_10150265039984662_509844661_7357812_3683294_n  I had a job that I (once) loved, and it gave me a reason to get up everyday and get moving. The constant challenge of dealing with problems and new situations kept me guessing and learning, something that was very important in a career to me. I needed a challenge, routine and ease bored me.

025 The ability to be random, take off on weekend trips, go where I wanted, do what I needed to do was always at my finger tips. With a (frustrating but…) frequent/decent public transit system and tons of bike/walking/day trip options I was able to do anything. Go away for weekends to NYC, snowboard, wander for hours.

n509844661_1144631_3740

And now… Being alone is a rare treat, I’m unemployed, I’m retired/in off season from competing, I don’t have the means/money to be as random as usual.

It’s hard. It’s really really hard and I’m admittedly struggling. I know that this is the biggest factor in me struggling with eating. Boredom, emotions, whatever it is hits me hard. It’s like everything I was is gone. While I KNOW moving was the right decision, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, I knew it was going to be a huge change, it was just a matter of time before the “vacation feel” wore off and it hit me.

Saturday afternoon I found myself feeling sorry for myself. Why? I don’t really know. But it all hit me. I just felt…. off. I sat myself down and gave myself 5 minutes to feel sorry for myself. I had myself a really good cry, wiped my tears and got in the shower to get ready to go out. Things won’t get better, sort themselves out, if I just sit home and feel sorry for myself.

That night I went out with Elisa for dinner and we did a bit of bar hopping. I admit the “scene” is well… tough. I felt old, I felt sad that I was single, I felt… ugh… fat, and just… wrong. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone is the only thing that’s going to help me.

I’m working towards recapturing glimpses of my “old” life. After I drop mom off at work in the morning I’ve been going to the gym for cardio, and then back later on to train so it feels more… normal.

While I have been sending out my resume I have held off sending it to my dream job. Why? Fear. Plain and simple. What happens if I’m rejected, what if I don’t even get a response? Then what?

Simple. I keep moving forward, I go take some classes, I get a part time job, I go on with life. Because life always does go on.

So yes… I am having a mild identity crisis transitioning into my new life, but it’s good. It’s really a good thing. It’s going to force myself out of my comfort zone, force me to decide what is really important and what’s not so important.

… and until I find out exactly who I am and who I want to be I’m just going to enjoy the ride. It’s going to be interesting.

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Comments
  1. Hang in there, girl. I think we all go through those times and they help us to find the right path.

  2. Lisa says:

    Yes, hang in there! Sometimes I’m envious of you single ladies. Having a hubby and kids and job and everything else is hard, all the time. Trying to have enough money for food sometimes is tough, and it’s not food for me, for my kids. You are so young, you have plenty of time to get that dream job. I say go for it. If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be right now, try again later. Life is all about taking risks and pushing ourselves to our limits (like you do in the gym!!) It’s easy for me to say because I’m not in your shoes, but I say enjoy this now, while you have it. Take life one day at a time, with baby steps, and you’ll find your way. Just like you did before. We are all here for you!!

  3. What you’re going through right now seems tough but know that some day you’ll look back on this time in your life and realize you learned something valuable. Keep you head up and don’t be afraid to take the plunge with applying for your dream job!

  4. DUDE. DUUUDE. hahahaha WOW I hope you read my post today. I believe we are possibly living the same life. For reals.

    You totally have the right attitude though! Hang in there, enjoy the ride, live in the moment & don’t worry about the past or future! All you have is right now. The future never materializes and the past never comes back 😉

    Keep on keeping on!!! You will get through this rough patch.

  5. Aww girl, so many changes, it’s only normal to feel that way, but I love that you concluded that you’re going to enjoy the ride.

  6. Meg says:

    “I keep moving forward, I go take some classes, I get a part time job, I go on with life. Because life always does go on.”

    AMEN to this. Life is good and it DOES go on 🙂

  7. Exactly this time last year, I moved home and into my mom’s house in Salt Lake City after living on my own (and like a hellion) for 6 years in crazy Las Vegas. It seems like yesterday that I was laying on my bed, surrounded by boxes, just like you in your picture and wondering, “What now???”
    Fast forward one year and I’m now happily married to the man of my dreams and living a life I never imagined I could.
    I learned that you never know what is around the corner. Life has a funny way of pleasantly surprising you when you least expect it 🙂
    As for the dream job – go for it! If they say no, then you’ll find something else.
    Chin up little Pixie 🙂

  8. Change can be the most exciting and scariest thing to deal with all at the same time. Good for you for settling into the ride and just figuring stuff out. I’m sure it’ll all work out.

  9. Kerryne says:

    It will all be worth it. I think sometimes life gets really hard (or uncomfortable) to push us to bigger and better things. Just think if we are always just comfortable… how can we grow? Hang in there. I have been through some things that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, but in all honestly… I am somewhat thankful for them because they have made me stronger 🙂

  10. klh says:

    Thanks for such an honest post. I can completely relate…I have gone through the same thing and am just now getting back into the groove of MY life. Even when I wasnt fully participating, just as you said…life still went on. Hang in there!

    Katie

  11. Lisa says:

    So many things changed for you at once. The move, your show ending. It can be hard to deal with. You will find your groove, your place. Hell, I’m still looking for that place on a daily basis.

    and apply for that dream job! they’d be CRAZY not to want you.

  12. I agree with what everyone else is saying. So many changes, feeling uprooted (yet strangely rooted at the same time). Being single is awesome. ENJOY it!!! There is absolutely nothing lame about going out with a girlfriend to a bar. Listen, I’ve been married for years, and I love to go out to a bar with my girlfriends. Not lame. FUN!

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