What I Learned From Dating the Wrong Boys (V 1.0)

Posted: August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

It’s no secret I’m super single.

… and have been for quite sometime.

My last “facebook official” relationship ended last June… in true captain crazyyyy fashion.

I have all the luck.

Let’s be honest here, while that relationship took the cake on wrong-ness, I haven’t exactly had the best of luck in relationships… OR dating.

brownie

Now that I’m back home and “settled” I’m not exactly actively looking for a relationship, but I’m a lot more open to the idea than I was four months ago packing up my life in Montreal. This has got me thinking about the past and well, what I hopefully learned from my mistakes.

…. or bad judgment. Whatever way you choose to look at it.

So without further intro…

What I Learned About Love and Life From Dating the Wrong Boys (version 1.0)

Changing Yourself for a Man Will Make You More Unhappy Than Being Single Will:

Watching UFC instead of the Habs game.

Eating out every night instead of cooking fun meals.

Cutting workouts short to go to parties.

partyrob

Ummm yeah. That’s not me. At all. Yes, relationships are about give and take, appreciating each other’s interests and hobbies, but that doesn’t mean one person set sets the rules. When I found myself dressing differently, missing workouts, giving up my alone time that I crave to make someone else happy it should have been a clear sign that something wasn’t right.

Hind sight is of course 20/20, but looking back and realizing I have done that before (… on several occasions) makes me want to be and need to be a strong and independent woman who sticks to her beliefs… while still being able to open myself up to new experiences and opportunities.

You Can’t Make Anyone Love You… Especially If You Don’t Love Yourself

Once upon a time I spent almost three years in a relationship… where not once was the sentence every girl wants to hear was said.

funny-pictures-youre-perfect-for-me

“I love you”

I kept waiting.

I kept hoping.

I kept thinking he meant it but just couldn’t say it.

Newsflash Becca. If someone loves you, they won’t be too afraid to say it for three whole years.

The routine of a loveless relationship turned into a glorified BFF situation. Every time we got ready to go out and I really went all out with my outfit/shoes/makeup I kept thinking… “this is it…. he’s going to see how perfect I am and love me”.

Yet every time it was another “Do I look ok?” …. “yeah you look fine, let’s go”.

I was craving the affirmation that I was pretty, I was special, I was loved.

The more I needed his approval, the less my OWN approval meant to me. I would wear the shoes he liked, the outfits he liked, did my hair the way he liked.

It wasn’t necessarily what I liked… and therefore I began to like myself less.

I felt like I couldn’t love me… because he didn’t love me.

How wrong could I have been? Being alone for a full year after that relationship left me with no one but myself to rely on. I became my own woman, I loved my life, I loved my surroundings, I loved MYSELF.

aug 23 016

Never Let Go of Your Goals to Please Someone Else

I met my last boyfriend the day I got my first ever prep plan. He knew from day one nothing would stop me from stepping on stage.

… and at first he supported it. But as the weeks wore on, the support became less and less.

Until the moment I called after stepping off stage and his only questions were “did you win?” … no… “so does that mean you’re going to get fat again?”

Classic 008

Um no. No it doesn’t.

That relationship ended very shortly after… and I continued on with two more back to back preps… while dating.

While I had zero issues going out to eat (providing it could fit into my plan), going to bars (diet coke), or doing pretty much any typical “date activity”, if the teasing about my lifestyle was more than teasing, or it was obvious they thought I was bat *&%$ crazy and they could “change me back to normal” I was out of there faster than you could say “it’s not you… it’s… no wait, it’s totally you”.

funny-pictures-i-have-needs-too-you-know

I never expect anyone to fully “get” why I chose to compete or live life the way I do, but if you want to date me then I do fully expect you to support me and more importantly respect my choices.

Even If the First Date Isn’t Perfect… Try Again

Sometimes you just know.

This.Guy.Is.Nuts.

impress

Obviously that doesn’t warrant a second date.

But sometimes you’re just not 100%…. and that’s okay.

First dates are tough. There are nerves, interview vibes, all the weirdness that comes with sitting down for a drink with a virtual stranger.

Sometimes you say something REALLY stupid.

… or you spill your food all over yourself (… true story)

… or you sound like a total retard trying to talk about fancy wine when you’re more 5$ beer pitchers than fully stocked wine cellar.

Just like with food. Sometimes you need to give it another go.

Did I love my first sip of beer? Um no, I hated it…  but I gave it another go and pick beer 75% of the time now.

Did I love my first bite of dill pickles? Um no, I hated them… now I could eat a costco sized jar in a day and a half. (… if I restrain myself)

Sometimes you just need to trust your gut that maybe he’s not so bad and something could be there and try it again.

Although maybe I’m just not a hopeless romantic that believes in love at first sight?

——————————————————————————

So there you have it… some of the major things I’ve learned from my mistakes.

… or at least I hope I’ve learned from my mistakes.

hating-stuff-to-make-yourself-look-interesting-is-not-interesting

I don’t believe in the whole “boys suck mentality” and I know that there is someone out there for me… but until then I’ll keep you up to date with any crazies that may teach me some valuable life lessons.

What have you learned from past relationships?

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Comments
  1. Hindsight is definitely 20/20…too bad we can’t see things 20/20 as they’re happening. But I guess if we saw things clearly as they were happening we would never learn from those “mistakes” or whatever you want to call them.

    Good for you Becca for looking back on those relationshps and learning something from them! I definitely try to do the same to prevent history from repeating itself.

  2. Kristy says:

    I married a man that had issues saying “I love you”, so I really feel you on that one. We were married 2 years, together 7 total. I ended it, and I’m proud for finally realizing I deserve to feel loved. Totally understand “I was craving the affirmation that I was pretty, I was special, I was loved. “. The road to self esteem recovery is a long one, but 3 years later I’m feelin’ darn good about myself and I’m glad to see you are too 🙂

    Awesome post!

  3. marlopnwgirl says:

    Great post Becs *high five*

    You’ve been with me through tons of relationships (sadly! you know we are crazy daters!).. So you know I sympathize with shitty guys treating you like garbage or just not being supportive.. Keep thinking positive thoughts.. Take care of yourself and listen to your gut.. Because its never really wrong. I’m so glad you’ve learned what you have from your past experiences.. I think that’s one of the toughest parts! LEARNING! How many girls keep going for that same “type” then after there 5th broken heart, they wonder “why me!!”

    It will happen for you someday.. And yes.. it might even be love at first sight.. You know i believe in that 😉 I’m a prime example of that! And i DO believe its true!

  4. My best learning experience was that I wouldn’t EVER change someone… unless they wanted to make changes, it wasn’t going to happen. I found someone who didn’t need any changin’ instead! 🙂

  5. Wow. He said that after your competition??? Geeze. Men say the darndest things. My hubby hardly ever compliments me or does anything remotely romantic. It gets on my nerves sometimes, but it’s kind of why I love him. I love him, not his sweet-talking. I’ve fallen for sweet-talk before, and I’ve learned it can mask a lot of other junk!

  6. Lisa says:

    Oh Becca. I remember the days when we would post pics of our Ex’s on Oxygen and then discuss them. It was so much fun. I remember the main relationship you are talking about and I remember how hard it was for you. I also remember how empowered you felt when you finally stood up for yourself and you got out. Me and Marlo were so proud and happy for you.

    I’ve been in a similiar relationship regarding the “i love you” issue and this post was very relateable. Love you.

  7. Jen says:

    I really needed to read this right now… I’m newly single… Pretty much as of an hour ago… Crazy, right? Was hard to do but it was toxic and I needed out.
    I can particularly relate to the person making you not like yourself… I’ve never experienced this before and it was hard. I just need to heal a little, pick myself up and move on.
    Thank you for this post.

  8. Wow this is such an inspirational blog Becca! My past relationship–everything was rushed. Everything including I love you, being that “old married couple” never doing anything…it was all rushed and almost completely fake.

  9. Good for you! Sounds like you have learned quite a lot, and that next time you’ll be bound to find someone who treats you right because YOU will be treating yourself right! 🙂

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