Does It Ever Go Away?

Posted: September 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

… With the right medication and abstinence…

Ok no, that’s NOT what I’m talking about. Clearly.

Hello, I’m 27, single, unemployed and live with my parents. A catch I am not.

sept 019

It’s cold here people. Like TWO DEGREES COLD.

I will never ever again complain about the 45 degree heat waves in Montreal.

… but clearly I digress.

It’s been almost two years since I’ve managed to “beat” this whole yo-yo dieting, disordered, screwed up mind frame… I eat healthy. I love my veggies, the gym is my second home, I even half assed enjoy cardio some days… and live for hockey season so I don’t mind cardio in the least.

But then why, with all of these changes I’ve made do I still look in the mirror and see… this.

Before photo

I admit I find it harder now that I look.. more round.. more average… more normal.

It’s a weird feeling and it’s honestly hard to deal with and it’s something I’ve really been struggling with. It doesn’t help I still only have my summer/prep clothes in the house so I live in yoga pants and sweats… I’m honestly afraid of the day I’ll need to pull on a (very snug) pair of jeans.

august 2 028

Friday someone picked me up.

Umm… I’m still qualified for lightweight status. I’m still “small”. I still look “athletic”

But in that moment it was like all of the air was sucked out of me. The smile was gone off my face. All I could think was “omg I’m going to get dropped. I’m too heavy. This is so wrong”

It felt so. Unnatural.

I don’t understand what the issue is. I feel so comfortable with myself normally… I feel confident in my life, my choices, the way things are going… but deep down there is still that mega chubster inside saying the words anyone who has ever been overweight has said to themselves…

“Heyyyyyy fatty…. what’s with the triple chin and the muffin top sticking out there?! It’s such a shame you have *such a pretty face*”

Yeah. I went there. You know what I mean.

How does that annoying inner voice always pop up… exactly when it shouldn’t… when I should be comfortable and confident, happy and carefree?

I’ve become so comfortable with ME… who I am and what I do… but those old body imagine issues are still there. I feel like on the outside I’m so confident and happy. The desire to please everyone and be who other people want me to be is so long gone. If I want to wear my 1$ old navy flip flops with my jean skirt and coach bag… who am I to care that I “should” be wearing proper shoes?

I just don’t… that’s me. It’s who I am.

But are the inner issues part of who I am to? Is that fat girl always going to be somewhere deep down inside of me screaming let me out! I’ll shut up if you feed me more melted snowman icecream and nachos!

(FYI: Melted snowman icecream is the bomb. French vanilla ice cream, chocolate chips, caramel and a TON of pb. Heaven…. not that I would know?!)

aug 23 115

It’s time to realize it’s going to be an everyday struggle… to assure myself I am just as fantastic and bad ass as I feel when I’m lean and my best self on stage. I know and always knew that that look wasn’t maintainable… oh how I wish it was, but it’s not. But the fact that I’m ten pounds heavier… or 15… then I am no less of a person, I’m not the fat girl, I’m not worth anything less.

I’m just as badass now as I was two months ago… just with boobs.

Yeah, having boobs again should be enough to shut up that inner fat girl.

How do YOU deal with the image in the mirror and that pesky inner voice?

  1. Kerryne says:

    Damn that inner voice. It screams at me daily. I think as a competitor our voices are a MILLION times louder and harsher than that of a normal person, BECAUSE we have seen ourselves transform and look insanely (un maintainable) SICK.. as in bad ass! Its a constant struggle for me too. Here I am a week out from a competition and I still look in the mirror and feel like a fat ass. I suffered from an eating disorder for years. I was 103 pounds at my lowest and now being 120 seriously makes me want to throw up in my mouth. If you figure out a way to shut that bitch up let me know! 😉 YOU LOOK AWESOME! I know we are our own worst critics but I think your fab!

  2. I’m actually going through a similar thing. I’ve put on some weight since my stress fracture and I feel like I am constantly looking in the mirror saying ew gross or something like that. I try and tell myself it’s all good or something like that.

  3. I have that inner voice. I take it day by day too. And sometimes, it’s hour by hour until I can get to sleep and start another day. Chin up! Some days are always worse than others. That’s just how it is. Find something to keep your mind off of it. Cleaning usually works for me. Keeps my hands busy! But then again, so would that ice cream.

  4. No matter what our back history is, we all have an inner voice we need to overcome or deal with on a daily basis. You are so not alone. You just need to know you have moved on and you are not who you used to be and that is okay. There was nothing wrong with you before and you need to be proud of who you were and who you are now. You can get through anything, just stay positive and focused on your goals and there’s no stopping what you can do!

  5. Lisa says:

    Oh Becca if you figure it out please let me in on the secret! I have that problem every. single. day. You are NOT alone, trust me. But yes, you are badass, don’t forget that! I have to tell myself constantly that yes, I may be 15lbs heavier than I was a few months back but I too have boobs now (yay boobs!) and I’m strong, athletic, and in shape and that I’m proud of. Hold your head high girl, you’re beautiful inside and out.

  6. Mari says:

    Oh this post hits so close to home. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to maintain my competition body but actually seeing myself look softer and nothing like I did during my July show is so tough. I’m trying to focus on the positive- like I am now able to lift heavier weights than before I started show prep or I now have even the slightest tone in my shoulders. I also am trying to shift my focus from post competition to my next goal – a race! I still have my moments but I’m trying everyday. Your blog has been a huge help to me because it helps to know I’m not alone and there is someone going through some of the same stuff I am (I too have recently chosen the path of unemployment- yikes, right?).

  7. I’m sorry that voice is still there 😦 But you’re doing amazing and you look wonderful!! (And hey, boobs are a pretty sweet bonus! haha)

  8. Oh Becca 😦 That voice is like the one thing that’s consistent in our lives sometimes, isn’t it?

    One day at a time. Stay present. 🙂 That’s the only thing that ever works for me.

    Just remember…you are an ATHLETE. You are AMAZING & an inspiration to many, MANY people.

  9. Ann says:

    I wish I had the magical words to make it all better, but it sounds like you’re finding your way. You ARE badass! I don’t know if the feeling will ever go away, or if we just learn to deal….

  10. Lisa says:

    Sometimes I wonder. It comes in so easily. At least you are AWARE of it now.

  11. Jen says:

    I get this… In the last two years I’ve lost 42lbs… I’m now at about 125lbs and this is exactly where my body needs to be… I know my clothes are so much smaller, everyone says how good I’m looking and I work damn hard to stay this way but my brain hasn’t caught up with my body… I still feel like the fat chick… Not great. And as for the picking up thing – My boyfriend does that constantly – He’s 6′ 4″ and a bit of a hulk of a man but the second he picks me up I FREAK out… I weigh less than half what he presses at the gym yet I’m convinced I will be the reason he injures himself. It’s weird – I don’t know why we do this to ourselves! If you figure it out – let me know! : ) x
    p.s You look Awesome! Fact! : )

  12. My inner voice is still there too- and she can be so mean. Lately she’s been trying to rob me of the fun of pregnancy by shifting my focus to my weight, and that is completely unacceptable. What I’ve been realizing is that I don’t think the mean inner voice will go away until we learn to accept both our former “fat” self and our newer “healthier” self. When I look at pictures of myself when I was in really terrible shape, I can hear myself belittling myself. I’m so mean to the girl I used to be. But then I ask…wasn’t I still ME then? Wasn’t I still NICE then? And funny? And WORTH IT? And DESERVING OF LOVE? Maybe if we can accept who we used to be, we can finally accept who we are.

  13. This is pretty deep. I can really relate. I was basically raised with my cousin (she’s only 6 weeks younger than I am) and she is a physical freak of nature. The girl had a 6 pack since birth I swear. I was always the chubby friend with the *pretty face*. I was never obese but I still see the chubbier girl in the mirror. As women, will we ever be satisfied with the way our bodies look? Definitely a constant struggle.

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