Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against yoga and what it does for your body, but I think we can all agree that yoga and being a figure competitor are two whole different things and please see my side of the story and don’t get offended. I’m not trying to offend any body types here.
It’s really no secret at all that I’ve been offseason since July.
Yes, a large part of that was quitting my job, packing up my life, moving 1000 miles away to a city where I am unemployable… then moving to another city and finding a pretty great job that runs me all over the place.
… but yeah, I digress.
The other very large part of not feeling like myself is a very long offseason this year. Last year I competed in May, July and October. I finished dieting in mid October, and began prep on January 7th of this year. Not a long time at all. Whereas this year I finished mid July and well… here we are mid october and I’ve been on offseason for a bit.
While my gains in the gym are going up and I’m getting stronger and bigger from some of the weird (to me) things I’ve been doing…
I also just feel… bigger in general. Oddly enough this time around I’m staying lower on the scale and now beginning to slowly drop (… going on clothes, me ditching the scale is a whole bigger post) and I still have some form of definition going on… I still feel big.
Often times I go to the Goodlife gym downtown. Around noon… when all of the office bees go in to do their les mills classes and yogalates (is that still cool) in their brand spanking new workout clothes (lululemon of course) and full hair and makeup.
Then I stroll in. Unshowered, in my 7 year old (Lululemon) gym pants and my hat pulled low over my unwashed hair.
(… yes boys out there, I am a catch!)
I can totally say that 95% of these women have yoga bodies. You know, tall, slim, a little definition (but not “manly” definition… ugh), perky, tiny.
… And then there’s Becca. The girl that feels like a tank when I walk into the gym.
I can honestly say I have not worn jeans in…um… months? but all my yoga pants and sweats still fit! I’m obviously very soft compared to July, but I clearly didn’t rebound and gain 60 lbs. Gaining is a necessary evil when it comes to competing and I accept that, but why is it that often times I look in the mirror at this slightly rounder version of me and see… This.
Comparing then to now I’m still at a loss of oh… about 100 lbs give or take.
Um yeah, what’s the issue here?
At work I’m repeatedly called tiny by my boss (… I wear a youth large tshirt instead of the real adult tshirts), my parents comment on how stuff is easy for me because of my size, blah blah blah…. but I just don’t often see it.
Admittedly I do have good days and bad days…. and the good days far outweigh the bad at this point, and not just because I am slowly losing (it’s like bye bye bloat not bye bye fat people). It’s a constant reminder to keep telling myself that this strength I have is good, being able to load the equipment for work without help, having the energy to jump around with the kids, not wanting to die going back to a commuter lifestyle.
It’s all a progress.
I’ve written about this before and I know I’ll write about it again… but I just felt like getting some thoughts out. It’s so hard to try to explain to people why I buy size thirty bf style jeans (…. umm… I’m like a 26-27 offseason normally) without trying them on because that’s how big I see myself, or why I fear someone trying to pick me up and realizing that while I look tiny I’m far from light.
… yes I know that’s a good thing as muscle is denser than fat, but get inside my head here people!
It’s an ongoing struggle, and one I know is getting better… but it’s still there. I don’t do tons of cardio to try and “fix it”, nor do I shove more food than a family would eat down my throat in a heartbeat then not eat for 2 days… The physical aspect of the disordered eating is not present in my life at this moment (or for the last two years), but the mental aspect is still there and to me that’s the hardest part to get over.
To look in the mirror and see ME… not a lack of abs or my puffy arms. Just me.
Maybe that day will never come, but as long as the days when fat Becca isn’t in the back of my head are getting less and less that’s all I can really keep aiming for. Baby steps right?
For the competitors out there… how do you deal with offseason gains?
For everyone else… winter weight? Changing body shapes… how do you feel about it all?