Wishy Washy

Posted: November 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

…. yeah. I said it.

I am wishy washy.

I have NO IDEA what I want to do.

Despite totally coming out of retirement to compete next spring… and then announcing I’m considering powerlifting instead I can 110% say that I have absolutely no idea what direction I want to take.

Wednesday I had a busy day at work. Because of this I didn’t make it to the gym during the day, I showered at home, went to teach my classes and headed to the gym after work.

It was chest day… normally ending with a few arm exercises just to round out my training. I asked for a spot, I rocked my chest workout adding a little bit here and there and playing around with a powerlifting-esc workout.

Then instead of doing cardio (because I’m lazy) I decided to toss in a few arm exercises just because I could.

The last thing I did was bicep curls with an ez-bar. I glanced into the mirror and what did I see?

A vein. It popped. In my right shoulder.

It took me until the very end of prep this year to have any veins showing and well, I’ve got them in offseason.

(perhaps due to the 3 tim bits I ate loading the trailer that night?!)

While I LOVE lifting heavy and pushing myself… my wrist is still aching from the pressure I put on it benching Wednesday.


And honestly… I don’t know how much I want it. I’ve gotten some… not so friendly/supportive emails from the local powerlifting gym that rubbed me the wrong way… I still find myself wanting to practice posing between sets.

So yeah. NO F-ING CLUE

I’m a woman. That’s normal right?!

I have no plan, no direction, no solid long term goal.

I go to the gym. I lift heavy. Sometimes in the 1-3 rep range. Sometimes in the 6-8 range. I do a bit of cardio. I eat my macros.

I’m pushing myself, striving to go heavier no matter what the range, being conscious of macro timing, refeeding as necessary but when it comes down to it, I’m focusing on the now. Being the best Becca I can be in the moment and when I know what direction I want to take I’ll fully run with it, but until then…

I just don’t know.

And you know what… I feel really okay with that. I don’t know why I’m putting so much pressure on myself to define who I am in the gym and what I want to do. So what if I do decide I want to compete but it’s “too late” for April… um… there will ALWAYS be another show.

Classic 035

Maybe I’ll decide in 6 months I DO want to be a big, badass powerlifter.

Um yeah, that option will still be there too.

I feel such a huge need to define myself, to be a figure competitor or a powerlifter or a runner.

…. clearly kidding about that last one.

race 017 So no…. I don’t know “who I am”… or who I want to be in 6 months… but I know I have goals in this instant and in the near future and I’m going to chose to work towards those ones and let the big picture figure it out when it does.

So excuse my crazy, my wishy washy, no idea what I want long term phase. I swear as soon as I know.. you’ll know.

… and hopefully you’re still around to hear the big announcement!

Whats YOUR long term plan? Vision? Goal?

  1. Understandable feelings- but I think it’s good to be wishy washy. Life isn’t black or white- you aren’t either a fitness competitor or a nobody, you are YOU! Living life and seeing where it takes you is the best option, always 🙂 Good luck with whatever road you choose, I’m sure you’ll be great.

  2. Lisa says:

    You sound exactly like me. I’m right there with you. I decided that I don’t need to define myself. I love lifting, love running (when I feel like it!), love boxing, spinning, etc. I define myself as a healthy/fit person. I will not go without working out less than 4 days a week but usually 5 days. I eat “good” but not great and I’m so okay with it now. I will not strive for perfection anymore because that’s unattainable. Yet, I just strive to be the best me, enjoy my time at the gym with no pressure, and not beat myself up if I have some cookie dough. =) You’re great, that’s your definition!

  3. I totally totally agree. NO need to define yourself! You are a FIT PERSON 🙂 and you are hella strong. And um boo on that PLing league…seriously. What the eff is that all about? I’d be turned off by that too. I don’t think there’s any need to squish yourself into a “box” anyway — do what you love, enjoy it, and see where the road takes you — you know?!

  4. Diana says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while but haven’t commented yet. I’m sorry. I really needed to read this right now. I feel the same way as you…wishy washy. I exercise at home with free weights and run when I can, but I was just thinking the other day that I need a goal to work towards. I feel like I can be a better me, but what is that. Should I sign up for a race? Do I even have the time necessary to train for ANYTHING? I have a 7-year-old son and I work full time. I don’t know. I just feel so lost right now. But it was nice to read that I’m not the only one who doesn’t know what the heck to do with herself fitness-wise. Maybe I can learn to be OK with it like you. Thanks for sharing your life and being an inspiration to me.

  5. I feel like you put my feelings into words. I change my workouts every six to eight weeks. I’ve never pushed myself to go heavier. I’ve always lifted on the heavier side (3×10 #75 bb lunges just an example) but I was in a rut. I found a girl at my gym that has really transformed herself & we began swapping routines. Her rule was to do 4 sets of 8-10 reps and lift heavy enough to just eek out the last few. I had no clue how strong I was until I pushed. It’s only been 3 weeks & I’m squatting 4 sets of 10 reps at 135 & leg pressing 4 x 10 at 285.

    Sometimes your goal can be just pushing your limits at this very moment. That’s we’re I’m at and I’ve never felt better

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