Thank you all so much for the kind words on my last post.
I’m feeling a bit better today, I guess in all honesty the news was just… shocking. I remember seeing the look on my face in my bedroom mirror when I was given the news and it just being complete shock. I’m very thankful I did get the news from a good friend rather than the paper or rumors… but still. I’ve been gone for 8 years and it’s really been hard to swallow that the first time I’m going to see many people who had a very huge impact on my life growing up will be to say goodbye.
But like my friend called when she gave me the news… “You know how he was”. He was living his life exactly how he always did, to the fullest. Which I think is something we should all do.
When I got home from work tonight the parentals were watching Dancing With the Stars. I flopped down to chit chat and when Sheri Sheppard was eliminated she got all weepy and emotional and girlie and crap… I tuned most of it out, but something she said caught my attention.
Basically… If you’re afraid or scared of something, don’t turn away, don’t give up… run towards the fear and face it head on.
In a way that’s something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Three years ago I began this wild and crazy lifestyle change to compete. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I think in a way I probably started this for the wrong reasons. Goals, losing weight, getting “the body”…. it was a strict on season and then offseason.
I did three shows that year and ended the season thinking I had brought my best package ever to the stage. I was so excited for the changes I had made, the life I was living. I had booked a photoshoot to reward myself for all the hard work, I was feeling great and loving life.
… and then I was called a fat beauty queen.
I went home that night and sat in bed sobbing. I ate a piece of ezikial toast with nutella in bed while I sobbed over a card from the wonderful marlo and thought of how desperately I wanted to binge eat and forget all my worries, but knowing I couldn’t because of the photoshoot the next day.
The photographer I worked with was beyond amazing and the way he spoke about the industry and the lifestyle was so honest and open it made me take a long look at WHY I competed and why I was choosing to continue pursuing this crazy life. After that show I could have hung up my stripper shoes and made the decision to just live life “normally”. I could have taken up a sport, taken up running (HA!), or just been your everyday gym enthusiast… but something in me had something to prove, not to anyone else, not to a judge or a boy or a mean former friend… to myself.
I was scared to death to commit to prep again, but I did. I wanted to do it for me, to make the changes I knew I could and step on stage again…. and I did. Ten pounds leaner, feeling better than ever and with a lifestyle I could maintain happily and healthfully in the offseason.
But… something was missing.
Yes, I was still going to the gym. I was still eating “right”. But a part of me was missing. After I started contacting different coaches for their thoughts and ideas to see if I wanted to commit to a new coach that fear set in again.
Will I make a fool of myself in this new federation?
Will I trip over the stripper shoes in front of friends and family?
Will I be able to improve anymore than I already have? Am I asking for too much?
I was scared to death. If I wasn’t so embarrassed by my crazy in the beginning I’d copy/paste some emails about how resistant I was to change in the beginning. I knew deep down these scary changes needed to happen and I needed to embrace it and get over myself… so I did. And I never looked back. I made the conscious decision to put aside what I “knew” and embrace the unknown of a new team, a new coach and a totally new way of life.
… I honestly don’t think I’ll ever look back. Once I started on the new plan and made this my lifestyle I just took it and ran with it. I faced the fear head on like the mad woman I am and just put my faith in my coach, and in my ability to continue pushing myself.
… and Saturday morning the president of the NB Bodybuilding and Figure Association told my coach the same thing my coach has been telling me all along.
I have… “potential”.
I’m not there yet, but I’ve got what it takes mentally, I’ve got a good base physically and there is nothing that is going to stop me from reaching my goals. Honestly I’m not sure what those goals are going to be after this show, I’m choosing to focus on the now for the next week and a half… but after that, bring it on.