… Panicking over what I can’t control.
The Nova Scotia Provincials were last weekend and I hesitated over looking at the photos on Facebook for quite some time before I clicked on them. A lot of these women will be on stage again this weekend against me. Mentally this could have been a disaster. A huge disaster.
But… let’s get real here.
I can’t control who shows up on Saturday morning in their stripper shoes. Yes, I’m a control freak, but that is clearly way out of my realm of control, so I need to 100% take comfort in the fact that I did everything possible in MY prep to bring the very best Becca to the stage and have fun with it.
With the introduction of figure model and physique the figure division is a little wishy washy on exactly what they want, all we really know is it’s a “softer” look. Who really f-ing knows what that means, so why freak?
This prep has been a roller coaster, from changing to a new team, a completely new style of prep (… that scared the &^%$ out of me in the beginning), letting go of all training control and just trusting the process and well… doing it out of my Montreal prep bubble surrounded by family, friends and reality.
Scary. Very scary.
But… the results were better than I ever believed possible. Everyday now I’m waking up and being in complete disbelief over how I look and the changes happening daily. I’m beyond excited and ready to get on stage and I’m going to be totally honest to admit I’m going to really need to remind myself Saturday that no matter what the judges decide I’ve already won 983648768X over.
I think the proof right there is in the photos… that’s from three weeks out… vs one week out last year. Needless to say I know I shouldn’t give a flying &$%^ what the judges say because that right there is a huge win in my books.
Most importantly I really learned so much more about how my body reacts to foods and love my new eating style. It’s something that for me is very maintainable, I LOVE eating more frequently and while yes, my current leanness is NOT maintainable long term, once I add in more macros to even things out I will be able to find a very steady plan to maintain a GOOD offseason weight to build for November (… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here right?)
Part of me thinks stepping off stage with a placing will somehow “validate” my competing in the eyes of my family. I’ve been very lucky in how my family and friends support me… but part of me thinks that everyone will just be happy when I’m “normal” again. I fully intend to keep up my lifestyle and work towards Provincials in November and feel like if I do well then it will be easier to justify what I’m doing?
… Yes. that’ sounds crazy I know. I’m 3 days out. Please cut me some slack.
So that’s it. This week is all about realizing what I’ve done… how far I’ve come… and how far I can go with a little bit of dedication and determination. This competing lifestyle really isn’t for everyone. I’ve spoken to (far too) many people recently who basically do nothing but complain about the diet and training and want to go back to “being normal”. I find myself just chuckling and nodding in agreement, but in fact this IS my normal now. Yes, I want that bacon cheeseburger Saturday night…. but I also want to eat my steak and egg whites Monday morning and get on with life.
The stage isn’t a 12-18 week journey for me, it’s just another day in my training life. Yes, it’s a huge, crazy, lofty goal, but I love it. I’m not wishing prep away or dreaming of binge eating/drinking for the month of May…. I’m just moving along, proud of how much has changed in my life this year and the choices I made, both physically and mentally.