…. I am freaking out.
Last night after work I did my thing, ran some errands, prepped my meals and packed my bags. I was feeling chill and completely normal.
I called the coach to check in and chit chat. Nothing big or earth shattering, just small details and things like that. I’ve always had a full meal plan with water and supplements listed at specific times for show day. This year… Not so much. Simple instructions, pack normal meals you always eat, a few extras were given to me to bring and talk of how most likely I’ll be too nervous to really eat much.
In my head I was sitting there thinking HA! Yeah right! Me?! Not hungry?
Um yeah. Then I didn’t sleep last night. (… or any night since Sunday actually). And I woke up with a knot in my stomach bigger than I could understand.
My morning was a busy one, I baked cookies, packed my coolers and double checked my bags. I hit the road and got my nails did, grabbed a coffee, dropped some cookies off to my momma at work and hit the gym for a light workout. It was basically to just chill out/burn off some nervous energy but yeah…. It made it worse.
I had a few people come up to wish me luck, and while I was doing my ten minutes of cardio a coworker/fellow gym goer stopped to wish me luck. That prompted the guy next to me to ask questions and yeah… Holy &^%$
I definitely haven’t been hungry today, eating has actually been hard. I have NEVER felt this nervous. I think I’m more nervous today that I was for all four of my other shows combined.
Which… is silly. I’m leaner, I’m mentally stronger, I’m better prepared, I have my team with me, I have family in the audience…. I have never been more ready or prepared, I’ve practiced posing excessively, I’ve worked my ass off…. yet it’s like the first time all over again. I’m chilling here in my hotel trying to nap and yeah, that’s not happening.
Driving into Moncton this afternoon I passed by the garbage place I so frequently drove past on my way to work when I was living up here. They have great quotes on their billboard out front and as strange as it sounds I was happy to see today was no different.
If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed
Starting this prep brought so many nerves and worries. Changing my eating style, my prep style, everything. Would the food list bring on thoughts of binge eating again? Would it make me start eating in secret again? Would I hate my life? The simple response to all of that was it was crazy talk. I got over the fear and just did my best, and have never felt better physically or mentally.
Whatever happens tomorrow is just icing on the (birthday) cake. I’m meeting the ladies of Blueprint at 7 to head to our athletes meeting and tomorrow I’ll be orange and done up like a dirty pirate hooker once again, backstage with my team and ready to have fun with it.
What I noticed this week practicing my posing is something that I’ve never done before… every time I started my walk or hit a pose I had a smile on my face. Not a forced, awkward stage smile… a real, genuine smile. I just feel happy… and confident… and ready.
Tomorrow my parents, friends, people from the gym, and my team will be there supporting me and I’m going to step on stage the only way I know how… with my head held high, a stupid grin on my face and every little bit of confidence in myself knowing I worked my ass off to get here and the fun is just beginning.