The Side People Dont Talk About

Posted: April 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

I found this video on facebook last night.

… which was about 12 hours after full results were posted and I found out exactly where I placed.

Second to last.

Seeing this video makes me feel a lot better about how I looked, and feel looking back at the day. Mentally I took a beating after this video was taken and like I said yesterday part of me wants to just pretend like it didn’t happen and move on… but it did in fact happen and I think it’s good to talk about it, if only for the sake of honesty and being open about this sport in hopes that someone else who feels this way may feel a bit better about their situation if they come across the blog.

When I stepped off stage from pre-judging I was upset. While I knew that my emotions had been running high all week long, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling at that moment.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t look at anyone. I couldn’t function without tearing up.

Simply put I was disappointed. So very disappointed. In what you ask?

…. Myself.

Why? I didn’t even get a call out. In my class, they brought the full lineup out, did a set of quarter turns, split us in half and each half did quarter turns, then we were sent to the back and they called out six girls. One girl was sent back and another brought in. They were judged and turned and looked at while I stood at the back of the stage wondering when it was my turn.

Next thing I knew everyone was called to the line again and we were dismissed. Did I look that awful? Was I that horrible that the judges didn’t even want to give me a pity call out comparison?

Immediately after getting off stage I felt myself shutting down. Jody had wanted all of us to pack up and head out as soon as we were done on stage to get some relaxing time in before the evening show. While one of the other girls still had to go on, the other two left right away and I sunk down onto my blanket in the hallway. I had no hotel room to return to and nowhere to go…. not that I really could have anyway.

I opened my cooler and pulled out some turkey and egg whites and tried to pick at it. Coach asked me how I felt after prejudging. I tried to speak and just choked out “not that great” before starting to dig through my bag for my kleenex. I was on the verge of losing it. The hallway was almost empty, but still I did not want to make a scene… I didn’t want to be “that girl” sitting there crying over a stupid placing.

Coach automatically sat himself down on the floor beside me and started talking. Honestly, if he hadn’t been there I probably would have packed up, walked out and never competed again. To say that he talked me down from the ledge would be an understatement.

Looking back when I started prep in November, and where I stood last year on stage the changes in myself are intense. While my weight was less than two pounds less than last year I brought a completely different look to the stage, coupled with confidence and pride in myself. I did exactly what I set out to do back in November when I began this prep… yet a panel of (unaccredited) judges who did not know me from a hole in the wall let alone who I was 6 months or 6 years ago didn’t like what they saw.

oct2010 atlanticssssss.bmp

Why was I letting that get to me again!?

I’ve said time and time again that this has never been about a stupid 5$ trophy, but let’s be honest here…. When it comes down to it, there IS a hell of a lot more to competing that that trophy…. but sometimes you can’t help but convince yourself that this time, this prep, this show is going to be different. It’s going to be the one where you finally stand out on stage, you finally get noticed, you finally get that stupid 5$ trophy to somehow validate all the work you did.

It’s only natural to want to be recognized by a panel of outsiders for the hard work you’ve done, but when it comes down to it, it has nothing to do about that. Competing in this sport is so subjective, you never know what they want and will reward, so while yes… I had my mini meltdown, I had my pity party and moment of self loathing…  Jody thankfully sat me down and reminded me exactly how far I’ve come in this journey, how the changes and improvements I made are something I should be very proud of and with my determination there is nothing that can stop me from improving even more by November… except myself.

So instead of hanging up my heels and giving up, I’m doing the only thing I feel like I can do right now. I’m committing myself 100% to continuing on with this lifestyle, it’s made me who I am today and can only continue to improve my quality of life. I compete to challenge myself and continually grow and change as a person. It has nothing to do with the trophy and while yes, I admit I lost sight of that for a brief moment I didn’t allow that to effect my entire weekend. I brushed myself off and held my head high stepping out on stage for the night show.

atlantics5 I may not have come home with a trophy, but I came home with my integrity and pride in my accomplishments knowing I did this on my own terms, with my new life and completely staying with a healthy and fully natural approach. That is better than any trophy I could have won, I just needed a gentle reminder for a moment there.

 

 

 

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Comments
  1. Sable@SquatLikeALady says:

    I love this post Becca – seriously. You are amazing. Your ability to keep things in perspective and keep your head held high are truly an inspiration. Keep on keepin’ on girl =D

  2. oh becca!!! i sound like a broken record here,but you truly are amazing and you have such a wonderful outlook and attitude about competing!!!
    i wish i could take your mentality and transplant it into about 15 girls at my gym!!!
    much too often i see gals get caught up in the trophies and placings and titles…..
    but you know what? while all of that IS nice to have,it is SO much better to walk away from the stage with your “integrity,and pride in accomplishments”
    what we learn about ourselves from competing is so much more valuable than that $5 trophy!
    as a competitor myself,i have been at the very bottom,and have climbed my way to the very top. i have experienced all the emotions you have at one point or another,and like you,i finally learned WHY i compete…not for the trophies or titles,but rather for ME,to build a better,stronger me from the inside out!
    and while i enjoy doing figure comps,while i enjoy being on the pro stage, competing is not my LIFE. now granted,i do enjoy and still embrace the healthy lifestyle,but i do have a life outside of competing,i am still an athlete in other sports,and oh yeah a wife and mom of 4 (in about 4 wks!)

    so while it feels good to win trophies,it feels even better to be healthy physically and mentally for my husband and children!
    SO having wrote you a mini novel about all that, i really do admire you and and your attitude about everything!!!!
    your awesome!

  3. Kari says:

    I can honestly empathize with you. I experienced the same feelings last year at my show. I was barely able to hold my tears back until I stepped off stage. To say I was crushed is an understatement. My family was there to remind me of how hard I worked and how proud of myself I should be – just as your coach was there for you. I was able to enjoy the rest of the weekend and hold my head high. Please keep reminding yourself that competing is part of a journey of self-discovery. You’ve learned so many things about yourself and have made so many positive changes along the way. You’re not alone in these feelings and it’s totally ok to feel disappointed. It’s only natural to want people to recognize your hard work. Just know that although the judges didn’t see your journey, other people have. And we’re so proud of you.

  4. I’m glad you are continuing your journey. I have never competed in a subjective sport before but I can only imagine how it feels. So much time, work, energy put into how people see you. To me-you look awesome and reading your journey is even more awesome. Great job this weekend Becca and I meant my last comment from yesterday!

  5. Lisa says:

    Maybe this is one reason I hung up my heels? Amongst others anyway. I was so proud of myself and felt like I looked better than at least one girl up there with me but nope, not so. So, you’re a better person than me girl! You really brought a whole new package and your friggin rocked that package! I think you looked fantastic but like you said, it’s all about how you felt and your journey and you SHOULD be proud of yourself. You are so dedicated and commited, regardless of the circumstances you were going through. So, as I’ve said lots of times, you’re awesome. Don’t forget that and I’m super proud of you! Once again, I can’t wait to watch your next journey to the stage =)

  6. alisonds1 says:

    Hey Becca. I never post on your blog but I read it religiously and I have loved following your progress to this show. I think you look INCREDIBLE!!!! I would love to compete one day (although I have a long way to go!) and if I ever look like you I will be so unbelievably proud of myself.

    I am so glad that your posts are so real. I read so many posts about “I love competing, it’s so much fun” but I love that you tell it how it is, that you have to push yourself to do the workouts, that shows aren’t all glitz and glamour and that sometimes you don’t get first place.

    I still think you’re fab. You’re first in my book and if it counts for anything I’d give you a $5 trophy any day! Keep your head up. you are gorgeous and have achieved so much. xxx

  7. Vera says:

    As I’ve been following your blog for a while now, I know how dedicated you are to eating clean and training hard. We don’t like to hear that others do not appreciate how hard we have worked. And that is what it must have felt like during that competition. You should be so proud of yourself for not giving up. You are in an awesome shape, inspire readers daily and in my opinion, you have already gained that 5$ trophy ages ago.

  8. Stacie says:

    Hey Becca –

    I am training for my first figure competition and have been reading your blog for about six months. Just so you know, if you lived closer I’d set you up with my son! LOL Anyway, since I have been following your journey, you have experienced several life changes. From a job you loved, to one you really don’tl. From living on your own away from your family, to living WITH your family, and back on your own NEAR your family. From counting macros to following a strict diet. From swearing off cardio to trusting your trainer with “limited” cardio. What has stayed consistent the entire time is your passion for training and for the lifestyle. You have been so positive regarding the challenges with diet, with naysayers, with training. You have really enjoyed the positive changes in your physique as well as the discipline of the lifestyle. This is your 5th competition – this IS your lifestyle. Before you left the stage after prejudging, you were feeling so confident and were extremely happy with how much you have accomplished. Don’t lose that feeling. How you feel about yourself is so much more important than a group of people judging you in a subjective manner. Yes, absolutely, winning a $5 trophy would have been a wonderful way to end the day. However, that $5 trophy and that group of judges do not define you. You are a true inspiration to many people. Whether you compete again or not is irrelevant – the faith you have in yourself is everything. Take care and please try to put this experience into perspective as far as what you have won – an inner peace and a love for yourself. PS – hope you enjoy the peanut butter cheerios 🙂

  9. Tess says:

    You go girl!!!!

  10. Becca, you looked fantastic. I go to a gym that revolves around competition shows. It’s a constant discussion throughout the gym all the time – you never know what the judges are looking for. Are they hoping for a softer look or more lean? More bulk or a little bit of rib showing? I know it probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but I’m proud of you! Not only are you dedicated but you have integrity and humility. This post made me feel like I was up there. Keep doing what you love.

  11. Tenecia says:

    Your honesty about your competition experience is so refreshing. I have felt the same emotions you have and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there.

    You are such a strong woman and it has been a pleasure following you on your journey!

  12. livelovenrun says:

    Becca, you looked amazing…and while you looked fantastic before, you looked phenomenal this time around. I’m not full of competition know-how or wisdom, but aren’t you now competing in the bigger comps? If so, give ’em time…those judges will definitely recognize you again. I hate that they weren’t aware of your past…but you know what? Your past matters to one person and one person alone: you. You’ve come SUCH a long way, and you know that. Even if you have to dig way down deep to remember that, you know it. I’m stunned by all the images of you in this competition…so proud! (And by the way, in my honest opinion…I love that you still maintain such a pretty, feminine figure. You don’t overdo it. I know I’m no judge, so I’m not sure what they’re looking for. lol)

  13. redkeeney says:

    It’s sooooo subjective! I’m sorry you had a bad moment, but I’m glad your coach was there to help you out of it. You looked great – you’ve obviously made gains and brought the best “you” to the stage and that’s all you can do. You won. Just by doing that, you won. 🙂

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