The other day at the gym I got chit chatting (… I know! ME! talking to people in the gym! Crazyness) with someone about competing. A big chunk of the conversation was about the politics behind a lot of the organizations and all that blah blah blah. Honestly I could write for days on that, but I have zero intentions of it. What I gathered from the conversation was competing isn’t worth it if you know you’re going to lose. (due to politics or whatever).
This obviously got me thinking as I have a long string of second to last place finishes and obviously no trophies on my bookcase. Except you know, the ones for most awesome kid/best cookies/biggest shoe collection.
… Note to self: Purchase a bookcase for my imaginary trophies.
During the conversation I said something that probably sounded a little crazy looking back, that I was…. Completely okay with, and happy, that I have never won or placed.
This sport is not an easy one. I guess not many are “easy”, but add in the fact the whole premise of the sport is judging you based on your looks? Yeah, that just makes it a little bit tougher on the ego. Over time it’s gotten easier to be able to look at my flaws objectively and take what the judges say with a grain of salt. I mean, there’s really no other option than that when it comes down to it. Trusting the voice in your head that says “I kicked ass every single day of this prep and gave it everything i had to bring in a better Becca to the stage this year” is much better for the whole self love thing than listening to a judge who referred to you as fat. Twenty different ways.
Obviously there is always that moment where the opinion of others DOES count, where it sucks to not be noticed or good enough. You hear the bad news and want to go home and sob yourself to sleep, you replay that comment over and over in your head thinking maybe you heard it wrong, telling yourself it isn’t true, that it’s the politics of the sport why you didn’t win and then slowly convincing yourself that little comment was in fact true and you are nothing more than a pair of lopsided shoulders and a larger than acceptable ass.
It’s been a long, tough journey to get from that very first day of my very first prep to having dinner with my family today, 3 weeks post show number five. I’ve had comments from judges, other trainers, people in the gym, friends, family, myself. Telling me I’ll never get there, I live a crazy life and it’s not worth it. I always wonder if I had a trophy in my hand if they’d say something else, but it really doesn’t matter.
It never really does. Competing has never been about what other people say, it’s been about improving myself. learning about my body, my stengths, my weaknesses, educating myself on food and training, reading books and articles… It’s been a journey. If I had stepped on stage and won my first show right off the get go, what else would there have been? Obviously the prep was correct, the training spot on and the package I brought to the stage was A-ok. I could have rested on that equation and rode out the success I had with it until I got bored of that and decided to find something new.
Ummm… How boring would that have been?
Every comment (from the outside world or self inflicted) has pushed me further, driven me to try something new, break out of a rut and keep moving forward. Every time my heart gets a little broken over something I do the only thing that I can do, I try to mend it, and make it just a little bit stronger so the next time it doesn’t knock me down harder.
Like the country song says, “keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart”… because those dreams turn into goals and those goals, although maybe big and lofty can turn into some pretty amazing things.
So what does that mean? Well it means I’m now…. 28 weeks out. There is no offseason, this is my life now and I kind of love it. New training, new diet, new mindset. Nothing is going to stop me from making some huge ass (FYI: no longer talking about the size of it) changes to my body, inside and outside this time around. To anyone with negativity to throw my way, go ahead, you’re only pushing me to rebuild stronger from the inside out.
Which is kind of what counts when it really comes down to it.
How do you deal with less than stellar results? Thoughts on winning and being awesome right from the get go?