Even If It Breaks Your Heart

Posted: May 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

The other day at the gym I got chit chatting (… I know! ME! talking to people in the gym! Crazyness) with someone about competing. A big chunk of the conversation was about the politics behind a lot of the organizations and all that blah blah blah. Honestly I could write for days on that, but I have zero intentions of it. What I gathered from the conversation was competing isn’t worth it if you know you’re going to lose. (due to politics or whatever).

This obviously got me thinking as I have a long string of second to last place finishes and obviously no trophies on my bookcase. Except you know, the ones for most awesome kid/best cookies/biggest shoe collection.

… Note to self: Purchase a bookcase for my imaginary trophies.

During the conversation I said something that probably sounded a little crazy looking back, that I was…. Completely okay with, and happy, that I have never won or placed.

eastern 032 This sport is not an easy one. I guess not many are “easy”, but add in the fact the whole premise of the sport is judging you based on your looks? Yeah, that just makes it a little bit tougher on the ego. Over time it’s gotten easier to be able to look at my flaws objectively and take what the judges say with a grain of salt. I mean, there’s really no other option than that when it comes down to it. Trusting the voice in your head that says “I kicked ass every single day of this prep and gave it everything i had to bring in a better Becca to the stage this year” is much better for the whole self love thing than listening to a judge who referred to you as fat. Twenty different ways.

Obviously there is always that moment where the opinion of others DOES count, where it sucks to not be noticed or good enough. You hear the bad news and want to go home and sob yourself to sleep, you replay that comment over and over in your head thinking maybe you heard it wrong, telling yourself it isn’t true, that it’s the politics of the sport why you didn’t win and then slowly convincing yourself that little comment was in fact true and you are nothing more than a pair of lopsided shoulders and a larger than acceptable ass.

aug 23  This sport has broken my heart time and time again… I have no problem admitting that.

It’s been a long, tough journey to get from that very first day of my very first prep to having dinner with my family today, 3 weeks post show number five. I’ve had comments from judges, other trainers, people in the gym, friends, family, myself. Telling me I’ll never get there, I live a crazy life and it’s not worth it. I always wonder if I had a trophy in my hand if they’d say something else, but it really doesn’t matter.

It never really does. Competing has never been about what other people say, it’s been about improving myself. learning about my body, my stengths, my weaknesses, educating myself on food and training, reading books and articles… It’s been a journey. If I had stepped on stage and won my first show right off the get go, what else would there have been? Obviously the prep was correct, the training spot on and the package I brought to the stage was A-ok. I could have rested on that equation and rode out the success I had with it until I got bored of that and decided to find something new.

Ummm… How boring would that have been?

camping 023

Every comment (from the outside world or self inflicted) has pushed me further, driven me to try something new, break out of a rut and keep moving forward. Every time my heart gets a little broken over something I do the only thing that I can do, I try to mend it, and make it just a little bit stronger so the next time it doesn’t knock me down harder.

Like the country song says, “keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart”… because those dreams turn into goals and those goals, although maybe big and lofty can turn into some pretty amazing things.

So what does that mean? Well it means I’m now…. 28 weeks out. There is no offseason, this is my life now and I kind of love it. New training, new diet, new mindset. Nothing is going to stop me from making some huge ass (FYI: no longer talking about the size of it) changes to my body, inside and outside this time around. To anyone with negativity to throw my way, go ahead, you’re only pushing me to rebuild stronger from the inside out.

Which is kind of what counts when it really comes down to it.

How do you deal with less than stellar results? Thoughts on winning and being awesome right from the get go?

  1. Holly says:

    I for one think you look FANTASTIC!! I really love reading about your journey and how you make it work for you. A lot of my life has been about less than stellar results, so it’s just the norm for me. It always keeps me pushing forward to try to make changes. I totally agree that if you win and are awesome right from the start than there is no where to go and you would be boring!

  2. You are SUCH an amazing & strong woman, Becca. Seriously. There is NO WAY I’d be able to hear things like that about my body – objective or not – and *not* completely lose it. No way. I’m not tough enough.

    Keep pushing, Becca! You got this 😀

  3. GREAT POST!!! you made me think of this poem:

    By: Lucas G. Irwin

    Most people don’t understand, but you’re ok with that. For you, training is not a hobby or a social activity; it is a way of life. Those around you say that you are obsessed, taking it too far and possibly insane. They can’t understand why you won’t eat birthday cake, why you bring Tupperware full of chicken to a party or why you go to sleep early on a Friday to rest up for a Saturday training session. But you don’t care. Their accusatory tones, sarcastic remarks and insults are merely cotton bullets firing at a titanium wall of perseverance known as YOU. You know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that any negativity that surrounds you is fueled purely by jealousy. Jealous that you are capable of unconditionally committing to something that most cannot stick to for more than a few weeks as part of their yearly resolution. Jealous that you gladly embrace a level of pain, discomfort and fatigue that others cringe at the idea of suffering a fraction of. Jealous that you take time to count carbs, protein, fats and calories while they count their chicken nuggets to make damn sure their 10 piece isn’t a 9 piece. In short, they’re Jealous of YOU. Ironically, all the comments, nagging and questioning that is meant to break you down a little, does just the opposite. Every negative word reminds you of how special and uncommon your mechanical allegiance to training really is, in turn, pushing you harder. So bring it on! Let them call you obsessed, crazy or insane and watch you get stronger with every word. The only one who can slow you down is yourself. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, you are both an immovable object and an unstoppable force……

    and you also made me reflect on the last journey i made to the stage,(where i didn’t place well at all,and it crushed me-my only excuse was that i was pregnant-my thoughts can be found here-http://melissacunninghamifpapro.blogspot.com/2011/11/things-i-learned-along-waytrue-griti-am.html)

    we share many of the same views chica!
    i love your mindset,YOU ROCK!!!!!

  4. I honestly think you are one of the most inpsirational woman I know-and I know I’ve told you countless times You know as well as anyone else that your journey isn’t about the race or placing but about the journey too! You have made so many leeps and bounds and it’s hard to justify that to people that understand your love and passion for the sport.

  5. Hi I’m Abeln Kriegler, a Canadian, originally of Nova Scotia, living life across the pond in London, England with my beardy British beau and a very cranky cat.
    Vestidos de Noiva

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