Outside of My Comfort Zone

Posted: January 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

The weekend before Christmas I sent my checkin to Jody and said I didn’t think I was gaining enough to make the progress I need and want to make.

Jody looked through my meals and sent me back some revisions. Immediately I thought… That’s a lot of food. No, I don’t know what the macros or calories or any of that was, but I knew it was… A lot.

I knew it was going to work. I was pushing it in the gym, eating my meals and resting when needed. 95% of my meals were on plan, and I enjoyed the holidays and meals out.

Do I feel like I overdid it? That I veered too far from my plan? No. I don’t regret anything that has happened in the last month and a half… But I do admit this last week or two I’ve started to feel uncomfortable.

I used to wear jeans on occasion… Now I refuse. Yoga pants, leggings, sweats… Anything to avoid my tight jeans. Getting dressed was no longer grab and go because everything was loose or fit perfectly… It was just a reminder of the harsh side effect of trying to gain weight.

Friday morning I had to take progress photos… And I chose to dress like a real girl on my rest day/date night. On my break at work I finally had the time to crop my photos and send them off to Jody.

It involved tears.

And the f-word.

I don’t think I’ve ever used the word fat to sum up my progress photos. Thick, solid, wide maybe…. But never straight up fat.

How someone who once was a size 20 can feel fat pushing a size 2 is beyond me, but honestly… I did at that time. I’m uncomfortable, unhappy and not handling the gain like I thought I could. I thought I was far enough along to gain the right way and be ok with it… But I’m not. I feel like people think I’ve let myself go, like I’ve rebounded… Like I’ve failed everyone.

I wasn’t going to post my pictures… But after much thought I decided to.

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Yes, I know in my heart I’m not fat.

No, Jody did not agree with me and put me on a diet and ton of cardio. He thinks I’ve put on quality size and is happy… But he respects my feelings and has scaled back my meals slightly and I’m going to add in 15 of medium cardio just to get back to a comfortable spot for me.

Do I want my top three placing? Yes.

I know that in order to get there I need to push myself further and harder than ever before… But even with my goal of improving myself and my placing, I need to respect and care for my mental health just as much as my physical health. This is my lifestyle and I need to feel happy and confident in myself and right now… That’s not always there.

Maybe this means I won’t get my placing, but this doesn’t mean I’m giving up or giving in. There’s 18 weeks left and nothing is going to stop me. Even if I don’t get top three, there’s always going to be another show, another goal, another time to shine… Being ok with me everyday is something that is way more important than any trophy, and I’m not going to let myself forget that.

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Comments
  1. Victoria says:

    I can imagine that it’s hard to bulk up like that, even knowing that the muscle is growing growing growing underneath. Keep with the plan, we’re behind you. Go Becca!

  2. sglgirl says:

    I can relate to this post for sure. In order to up the ante for next year and enter in the physique category I have been told that I will need to pack on 15-20lbs in order to gain the size needed….and mentally I have not grasped that yet, mentally I get scared and think “I work too hard to get fat” when really it is not “getting fat” that I may do but gaining size…. a poop load of it.

    • ihearteggs says:

      It’s hard… I haven’t gained that much, but I still feel uncomfortable. I think being able to admit that is half the battle though and putting a plan in place up her back to my happy place is key

  3. I can’t imagine how tough it is but girl you are working and building some quality muscle. that is a feat!

  4. Wow, you read my mind today. I weighed and it was up and I’m building right now and I felt the same way. I text my coach freaking and shes like this is good your supposed to be gaining but its a total mind f*** thats for sure.
    I like what you said though about we need to be ok with ourselves. Thats way more important. Good point Becca.

  5. This is probably one of my favorite posts you have ever written. It has taken me a couple hours to respond because I just really wasn’t sure how I wanted to. You look great either way. You must do what is happy for you and I know I’ve rambled on before about bulking up between swimming and running and mentally it was the hardest thing of my life. Physically, I was still the smallest girl on the team. Mentally? It was the biggest struggle of my life and left me crying half the time. Anyways-I know you will figure out what is best for you and there is always another competition catered more to you (like you said).

    • ihearteggs says:

      Exactly Hollie! It’s hard saying “omg im huge” when in reality I’m still (barely) fitting in a size 0 and most girls I know would kill to be a single digit size. It’s just mentally tough, but I’m working on it

  6. Kerryne says:

    I can relate… I have been there. The building part was the HARDEST part of doing figure for me. I love everything about figure. I think it is absolutely beautiful. I love the look, the posing, everything except what it did to ME which is why I decided to start doing the bikini division. Mentally it was better for me. I just couldn’t handle the bulking. I think you look amazing, and am so excited to watch your journey! I know you can do it. I love this sport!

  7. Wendy says:

    I know how hard it is to do that improvement phase. Been following you for a while. I think you look wonderful. Strong and sexy!

  8. As someone who was also a size 20, I can totally sympathize with you. Even though you aren’t fat, after years of being fat and getting rid of the weight…it would be SO hard mentally and emotionally to bulk up. You look beautiful and I bet you get a top 3 place in 18 weeks!!!!

  9. Amanda says:

    (dont take this in a negative context because thats NOT how i mean it) but how do you…get soft so quickly? Seriously, your hard work and dedication is amazing and you clearly put in the effort. But I know ladies who lift less and dont watch their diets AS strictly, yet after the same amount of time are more muscular + have a lower body fat

  10. ryderyoung says:

    Amanda, how do you know? Are you there watching these ‘other ladies’ lift, how much they lift, and what they eat, when they eat? Or perhaps anything else they take? Probably not.

    If you knew anything about gaining muscle, I am sure Becca and numerous other people can assure you it is pretty hard even for people who easily can gain. And with that being said to get bigger you must eat. With eating may come some temporary bloat, and most likely fat.

    In this case.. if you think she gains easy lol.. you would be very, very wrong. Clearly she is still fairly lean and it is her off season (have you even been reading her blog,..? At all?).

    Becca – don’t let random people who make useless comments on your blog truly allowed to hurt you. Know in your heart and head you are taking the necessary steps to gain the muscle you want. If you didnt want it, you wouldnt be doing it. Big, small, tiny, oblong.. whatever shape you want, no one has the right to judge. Amanda..

    Underhand/backhanded compliments are not compliments. She puts in a hell of a lot of work.

    Guaranteed Becca, it is going to/IS paying off!!!

    • ihearteggs says:

      Thank you Amy. I try not to let the negativity get to me, trust me, for a blogger I get off really easy… I get 99.9% positive comments and it kills me when that .1 can effect me. Sometimes I just need a slap upside the head

      Sent from my iPhone

  11. ryderyoung says:

    Hehe.. You and I both 🙂 We are human! You look fantastic, trust the process and trust your coach. I know it is tough getting a bit ‘bigger’ but its really worth it :):)

  12. ryderyoung says:

    ps your posts have been like.. reading my mind lately! love them!!!!

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