When I dropped out of the WBFF show two weeks out back in May I was… For lack of a better term… A hot mess.
I was working a split shift that had me up at the ass crack of dawn for cardio, four hours of work, workout, sometimes more cardio, 4 more hours of work (… Sometimes overtime after). It was less than ideal, especially considering I was trying to prioritize my relationship and family.
At first I was fine with it, I knew I made the right decision. Life went on, I started running, I went out and had fun, I got away camping with my family and exploring with my boyfriend.
But I knew I was mad at myself for quitting. I don’t like giving up. That’s not who I am and it’s not who I wanted to become. So back in august I spoke with Jody and quietly began prep.
My fear in telling people was that I wouldn’t make it to the stage again. That I would start being known as a quitter, the girl who just couldn’t get back on stage. So I didn’t. I played the retirement card and only my family and Jason really knew.
Life went on. I started a new job (8:30-5 Monday to Friday!), went on a few weekend trips, really just…. Avoided the stereotypical prep. I admit towards the end I did stop eating out and a lot of mid week dates became movies on the couch, but that’s the beauty of a relationship where your partner actually gets why you have to do something. To say he’s the most understanding person I’ve ever met would be the understatement of the year.
The two week out mark for prep hit and I felt good. At one week out i panicked, but thankfully a supportive email from Jody kept me on track and reminded me exactly why I was doing this.
And just like that, Saturday hit and I finally got to put on my obnoxiously stoned suit and get my hair done.
Did I win? Nope.
Did I place higher than last year? Nope.
Did I get on stage proud of myself for not only following through, but knowing I made improvements? You bet.
Genetically I have a small upper body and I’m anything but naturally lean. Every time I compete I’m fighting nature and it’s hard. So very hard.
It’s always been worth it. I love knowing I’ve made improvements and pushed myself. What I don’t love right now is the realization it’s just not as fun as it once was. I don’t think it’s any big secret “special vitamins” are everywhere in this sport and going to extremes is all too common. To me that’s not worth it, and it’s put a bad taste in my mouth.
Am I saying I’ll never compete again? No. I do feel like for now I am done. It’s time to embrace something new, challenge myself in a different way and see where it takes me.
This show gave me piece of mind and redemption for May. It removes the “what if?” That was constantly floating around in my head.
So here’s to new goals, new adventures and seeing where life takes me. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I already know 99% of what my next plan of action is… But it’s just about letting that fall into place for now.
yes. I am aware this is my first blog in a very long time. I’m not apologizing nor justifying why I stopped blogging. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves and take a break. That is all