The Disordered Past

Posted: November 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

Oddly enough, I rarely think of the person I was food wise before I started with Blueprint Athletics.

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Frankenfoods is the only way to put it.

The above photo? Some sort of spaghetti squash pancake with almond butter? I remember diet root beer with unsweetened almond milk for a “root beer float”. Eating cool whip free straight from the container…. As in the entire container.

But now… Things are a little different.

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Maybe I don’t have 6 plates of “delicious volume” that fit my macros (… And leave me with a food baby by 6pm everyday) but what do I have? Food that is tasty and satisfying.

What brought this on? This week coming up is one year since Jason and I had our first date (side note: whoa) and I have never come directly out and said “hey… So I used to be almost 250lbs… And first lost weight through extremely disordered eating”. At first I just never really thought it mattered, then it was just not even a side thought…. But now that I’m working on transitioning Into my new goals sometimes I get a little nervous about food.

Yes. After all this time I still freak out internally sometimes, and know on some level I probably always will. But oddly enough, this weekend I pretty much lived off movie popcorn (Enders game and Thor. Decent), grilled paninis and veggie soup from the only local food truck, and giant omlettes…. And umm… Fro yo.

In terrible blogger fashion I have zero food pictures of this, so I present you fritz. You’re welcome.

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Weekends like this are when the nervousness is unsettling… But welcomed. I know I’m making progress. I chose the food that I wanted, that sounded delicious, without making 17 substitutions.

Something I always say is progress not perfection. Most likely because the quest for “perfection” is what led me down that dangerous road in the beginning? It’s an everyday choice I make to be a better me… a healthy, saner, smarter me.

Scary thought.

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Comments
  1. I know it’s probably not easy to share this but seriously thank you. One of the reasons you are one of my all time favorite bloggers (suck up line) is because you compete in something that is very directly linked to eating and the gym. But you do it in such a more healthy way then 99.9% of bloggers and their “normal” eating. I’m really glad you are blogging again for now.

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