Something I’ve admitted to myself… But not quite to anyone else is that honestly, I’m disappointed in myself over provincials this year.
I’m disappointed in how I looked. My attitude on game day. My frustration with my body. My opinion over what this sport is becoming.
Deep down I know I gave my all in prep. I didn’t miss workouts, I busted out cardio, I ate turkey meal after turkey meal. But still felt like I was fighting the exact same uphill battle I fought back in May. I wanted to quit at 3 weeks out. I passed the two week mark and felt good…. Then immediately plunged back into self doubt.
Obviously changes were happening… But it was never enough. This was my seventh show and deep down I wanted this to be the one where magically my upper body grew… I developed a 6-pack… I got lean enough.
But it wasn’t.
I knew walking back stage that Saturday morning I wasn’t where I wanted to be. Immediately after stepping off stage I slipped off my shoes, pulled my sweats back on and sat down relieved it was over. Relieved I followed through and I could… Quit. I knew right there and then I was done with this. It disappoints me that I feel like a quitter, but it would be more disappointing to hide such a huge fact.
I’ve spent the better part of my adult life (or you know… All of it) dieting, binging, restricting, rebounding and dieting again. Since I started competing it was prep, rebound, prep, rebound… Then prep, bulk, prep, bulk… It was a never ending cycle. Even the last two years that it was an easy lifestyle for me, it was still one or the other. The mind %%^* of dieting or the mind %}^* of bulking. The simplest thing I can say about that is it’s absolutely no way to live. It’s not the most “comfortable” thing, but right now all I want is maintenance. To know one week to the next I can fit into my jeans without muffin top or hauling them off belt and all.
Why not a bulk? For A few more pounds of muscle? A slightly better shape? It never made a huge difference in placing or was the deciding factor in a first or second place trophy.
I think my biggest disappointment comes from losing my passion for this sport. Something I loved so much for so long. I still love training, and as disappointed as I am by my results this time around my usual immediate response is not to push forward and compete again. I refuse to consider myself a quitter for moving on. Hell, for all I know I could one day put the clear heels back on, but for now it’s time to accept my emotions, embrace the frustration and channel that into my new goals, however they might evolve.