… It’s a daily struggle.
What’s that you ask? Putting the disordered eating, old habits and disfunction behind me. Things have been going well, life is trucking along. Even with a ton of overtime I made time for myself to workout and run and didn’t find myself running to food for comfort.
Although with that being said, I was smart enough to know when enough was enough. I slept through my run Friday morning and instead if cramming in a workout that night I took the “no lulu allowed” dinner date seriously and came home to dig out a skirt and an old school becca shirt. At first I wasn’t sure how I would feel about Jason seeing me done up for the first time, but come on, it’s impossible to feel awkward in Armani, it just works.
The night was perfect, drinks, awesome chicken wings, a badass burger and just relaxing. Food and dieting was not on my mind and I enjoyed every second of it.
Cut to this weekend… Holiday stress (please, ask me my opinion on sports chek right now, I dare you), a crazy storm and well, the realization Christmas is THIS WEEK. I guess it’s naive of me to think id get through the holidays with no issues… But getting home tonight with two big pans of holiday treats and an impending work potluck tomorrow makes me uneasy.
Go ahead and leave the disordered behaviour/broken comments. I’m aware what I’m feeling is not “normal”, but it is however real.
I’ve always avoided the holiday potlucks because of dieting. Now I have a free pass to share like a regular person yet here I am prepping my meals like usual. Do I plan to eat at the potluck? I will say yes. I’d love to walk into the office, grab a plate and enjoy with everyone else… But the intelligent side if me says to pack my meals and be prepared. I don’t know how I’ll feel when put in that situation and I don’t want to be without “comfort foods”.
Am I afraid of food? On some level… Yes. I’m not comfortable eating low protein/high carb meals. Yes, this is the prep/bodybuilding mindset and I am (away from the blog) working on increasing my carbs at a comfortable rate for me, but it’s hard. When you’ve spent your entire life gaining and losing weight it’s hard to loosen the reins on what you “know” works for you.
I’m not dieting.
I’m not bulking.
I’m maintaining. Finding a balance. Slowly working on finding a happy place with food and life.
It’s not going to be easy and while maybe some people would say just jump right in, I can’t and I won’t. Yes, I’m slowly expanding my boundaries, but jumping in with both feet and my eyes closed is a recipe for disaster for me.
I’ve always been a very black it white person. Dieting or bulking. I’ve developed my lifestyle over the course of many years… And while honestly I’m happy eating the way I do 99% of the time, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wish I could just not care sometimes.
It’s a struggle. Everyday. The balance, the habits. The old thoughts of gaining weight and losing control.
But it’s not going to define me.