On one of my recent blogs I received a comment suggesting I check out/email a well known diet coach. This coach specializes in eating disorders and the like. At first I was offended because I knew exactly what was being implied… Then I was mad because “omg I know what’s being implied”… But the more I think about that comment, I more I realize how I don’t share everything here, but how truly different things are for me now.
Monday to Friday I tend to eat the same things daily. It’s easy, it’s a habit and I actually enjoy my food. Wednesday evenings are a crap shoot because it’s date night. Sometimes we take turns cooking, sometimes we have frozen pizza and sorbet. Balance.
The thing I find so different now is saying “balance”. There’s no all or nothing dieting mentality, no binging, no hunger.
That was once “normal” for me offseason. Pretty much an entire bag of tostitos, beef, veggies, tons of cheese. I would chase this with icecream and spend the remainder of the day on the couch, feeling sick… But worse, feeling sick with myself for going to such an extreme.
This is where I’m at now. Splitting a reasonable amount of nachos and having a drink. That’s it. Eating my part and feeling satisfied, not stuff and not disgusted with myself immediately following. There’s no restriction or punishment for days after, just another day.
I may not be perfect. I may still struggle with self image and wanting to look better in my clothes. To me, that’s human nature. Who doesn’t want to feel comfortable in their skin? I have no desire to have size 0 clothing hanging off me and chase abs, it’s not realistic and I’m ok with that. For once I have no outside motivation to look better, there’s no jerk guy who prefers me lean/bigger, there’s no looming show date, it’s really just about being confident and feeling healthy and active.
Maybe I’ll always have those disordered thoughts in the back of my mind, the fact I recognize them and know how impossibly stupid they are is what keeps me sane. There’s going to be set backs and “life happens” moments with food/running/gym…. But that doesn’t mean I need to go to extremes anymore. Enjoy the moment and move forward. It truly is about progress, not perfection