No Show Doesn’t Mean No Goals

It’s been a week (and a few days) since my decision not to compete and honestly…. I feel awesome.

I’m very at peace with my choice to step back and wait until I’m ready. I do admit I am who I am and had a new plan in place within a few days. I did run everything by Jody and he supports my plan and my need to shift focus.

So with that being said… I’m slowly adding calories and carbs back in. I am having a bit of a tough time mentally adjusting to being softer, but if it REALLY bothered me I’d probably lay off my weekly bacon cheeseburger or the Friday night post work blizzard dates. Life happens, I’m embracing it.

A little preworkout watermelon and some new lifting straps since mine were old and falling apart.

Why new straps? New workouts of course. Different direction, refreshing change and hopefully solid results. As always looking to gain size…. While staying a little leaner than last winter.

Um hello, it’s summer. I can’t be hiding my muffin top under hoodies and sweats.

Clearly yoga pants cover so much less right?!?

I’m short, i want a 250 deadlift and a 150 bench. Preferably by Halloween. Why Halloween? Why not?

But there’s still more. The big goal. The different goal. The goal that is completely changing my views on my body… And myself.

By end aug/early sept I will run a 25 minute 5k.

The exact date is up in the air, considering an aug 31st race, but there’s a few factors still up in the air. Regardless, the bf knows about this goal, supports it and is helping me achieve it so it will definitely be going down.

I’ve got lots more to say about my thoughts on running… But for now, lets focus on the goals.

250 deadlift
150 bench
25 minute 5k

…. And one bitchin summer

Nothing Left to Prove

Less than two weeks until WBFF Halifax.

A show I was walking into aiming for a top three placing and being exactly where I wanted to be.

A show I was entering knowing I had done this before, I had nothing to prove to myself, to anyone else. I was getting on stage knowing I poured my heart into this prep, and this lifestyle for over a year and a half with Blueprint.

I was so hyper focused on this goal, top three. I had an image in my head of exactly how I would look and feel… Only I don’t look or feel like either of those ideas.

In fact, I was feeling pretty awful.

At my insistence I pushed Jody to keep giving me more. I was doing double cardio and dieting very hard (for me). I chose to go on autopilot and oddly enough didn’t notice the hunger. But I did notice the stress, the pain, the constant insomnia.

Maybe it was silly to make such a huge decision in (my fourth for the day) a giant gasping sob fest… But even with my top three goal in mind, this has never been about a trophy. It’s been about getting my health back, the fact I haven’t binged in almost 2 years, the fact I don’t rebound, I feel awesome and like an actual athlete now.

And knowing I don’t have to prove that to anyone, I get recognized more than enough for my healthy lifestyle… I won’t be getting on stage in 2 weeks.

There is always going to be another show, but for me it’s not in halifax 2 weeks from now.

Last Progress Update

… Photo wise anyway. I don’t even know why I’m saying that and I may change my mind, but right now… At just under 3 weeks out I want to be like “bam, check me out on show day”

The time between these 2 photos is a week. The change to me (more so in person) is huge and quite honestly for the moment I feel like its going to be a tough 3 weeks, mentally and physically… But I’ll be ready.

There’s still lots of details to take care of (… Like finishing my suit) but I’ve got lists and plans and it’ll all get done.

In other news, the bf got back to town Saturday night.

Coffee and cardio for me… Unpacking beer for him. Balanced life/prep?

For those that have asked, no… He is not “like me”… As in a bodybuilder. Turns out I’m dating a runner, like a real runner. You know, a fast serious one. The opposite of me.

This fact means my birthday gift was functional for our Sunday dates, new kicks and a full out running outfit. Tried out the runners and my new shorts at the nature park yesterday.

3 minutes off our time from two weeks before. Not bad. (…. For a bodybuilder as he tells me)

The rest of my weekend was an early pain and gain viewing and meal prep.

I live my life one 3oz Baggie of turkey at a time. Here’s hoping I’ve got enough stockpiled (ok, hoarded) to last until show day. I realllllllly don’t want to cook another!

So cross your fingers people that 6 turkeys is the magic number for this prep!

… Please?!?

Midweek Checkin

So on paper this week I should feel like shit. I should be tired and cranky and miserable.

Until my bout of insomnia last night (unable to shut my brain off) I was feeling um…. Awesome.

But today?

I’m pretty beat. I had some early work drama Monday that thankfully got sorted out, but just work out. Tomorrow is a rest day though so that’s a bonus.

Diet wise, no issues. I’m dubbing this week eat all the turkey, do all the cardio… And that’s what I’m doing. Tight diet, double cardio and my usual workouts.

Payoff? Obviously. My waist is coming in big time and after only three days the difference is huge and noticeable. Yes please.

I officially (for this moment) feel on track, good and totally ready to rock that stage.

24 days

Questioning

… That’s what I’ve been doing this entire prep.

Absolutely killing everything but still questioning my abilities. Can this former fat kid really get top three? Will I ever have abs? Can I go one more day? One more minute?

Yet again and again I shut out that negative voice and push just a little harder. Which leaves only one thing to do for the next 26 days

I Want to Say…

… That my lack of blogging is due to some major craziness or excitement… But it’s really not.

In all honesty, things are pretty boring around here and I love it. I used to think to be a “good blogger” I needed to blog twice a day, have big deep posts and focus on numbers and increasing traffic…. But now, I really just don’t care.

O-M-G I know

I started this blog just after I started competing, I wasn’t in the best place in my life… I was coming out of a very bad relationship, secretly binge eating all offseason, rebounding and trying to figure out life. I thought if I blogged my meals, took up running, ate fancy oatmeal like everyone else in the blog world id sort myself out.

Ummmm…. Nope.

I still enjoy blogging, having a record of my training and thoughts and putting myself out there, but I no longer feel like the world will end if I don’t post my Starbucks order daily.

… Even though im totally back on my unsweetened passion fruit iced tea.

I didn’t suddenly find a big exciting “real life” to make me come to the conclusion my blog popularity doesn’t define me, if anything I’m predictable and just your average person, but the thing is, I love this about me. It’s what makes me who I am.

Saturday afternoons at my parents snuggling with my old beast… While mom is using me as a pillow for her candy crush obsession.

The crazy of January/February are over and so I’ve been lucky enough to have Saturday/Sunday dates on the regular.

Purse turkey for me, takeout for the bf and a trip to the movies Saturday night with a gym date most Sundays. Yesterday we switched it up and ran the nature park.

… Yeah. The girl who lives her cardio life in 6 minute hiit sessions ran 6.5k with a guy who runs 1:30 ish half marathons. Humbling.

Fritz is still a giant sulk. He’s taken to sleeping on my pillow. Unimpressed.

So that’s it… Me. Plain, simple, average. Still blogging, still pushing my limits to reach my top 3 goal, still just trying to figure out this crazy world. That’s really all I have to say today.

Well That Escalated Quickly

Yup. Blew through the 6 week mark and quickly approaching 5 weeks out.

Going to watch finals of Atlantics made me feel two things. Tiny muscle size and huge leanness wise.

I knew it would happen so I’m really trying to just not dwell on it. Really I’m choosing to dwell on an old obsession rekindled by my free birthday drink.

Yup. Unsweetened iced passion fruit tea.

Please also noticed I wore jeans Saturday. Like whoa. I also cooked two turkeys, did morning cardio, an afternoon workout and drive about 400k round trip. A lazy Sunday night on the couch watching…. Golf…. Was very welcome.

New diet rolled in yesterday. Immediately I was nervous, but now I’m focusing on getting a rice cake with almond butter back in my life and knowing Jody likes where I’m sitting right now.

As always… A 2 week difference. New suit on. 4500 crystals currently on route to my house. Bling bling.

I’m definitely feeling confident, but fearful. The good days definitely out weigh the bad and I feel like I’m kicking along at a good pace. Does that mean I’m happy with this prep?

Yup. There’s a lot going through my head and I have overcome a lot mentally. Thankfully those head games don’t seem to have set me back and now it’s just the final push. Just over three weeks then the usual 2 week peak process.

I can handle that.